A Letter to Kallie Kriel, Caucasian-in-Chief of AfriForum

Hello Oom Kallie. How is it going with Oom? Is it okay with Oom if I call Oom Oom? I believe it is a mark of respect in our culture, although if someone calls me Oom I want to punch him in the mouth. Maybe there is something wrong with us. When I say us, I mean we English-speakers. Not we white people. There is nothing wrong with white people. This is a well-known fact. Even scientists have proven that God chose white people as his number one race.
I just love being white. Don’t you? It’s the best colour. You can wear anything with it and never have to worry about your broeks clashing with your hemp. By hemp I am obviously referring to the marijuana that many young white people carry around in colourful fabric bags these days. Does Oom smoke boom? I hear it is very good for the cancer and also the appetite. Is it true all the Boer generals smoked it and that is why the Third Boer War never took off? Too much sitting around chatting and laughing. Still. It’s probably a good thing otherwise we’d all be speaking Australian today.
Congratulations on your recent tour of America, a country that until recently was enemy territory for you. Now that our hero Donald Trump has made the White House white again, America can once more take its rightful place in the world. Blood and soil, Oom. Blood and soil.
You even got a meeting with the US Agency for International Aid. That would never have happened while the Kenyan antichrist was president. Did they give you money? I bet they did. You should use it to stock up on dog food. When the genocide moves from the farms to the suburbs, you are going to need lots of dogs. As you know, darkies are more scared of dogs than they are of white people. You can thank democracy for that.
I could hardly believe my ears when President Ramaphosa said you and the man who plays Chewbacca to your Han Solo, Robin to your Batman, Donkey to your Shrek, Gollum to your Frodo, Tonto to your Lone Ranger, Gromit to your … whoops. Where was I? Yes. Ramaphosa said that instead of trying to mobilise the international community against your own country, you and Ernst Roets should “come back home for inclusive dialogue”.
Sounds familiar. You probably remember better than I the day that Zulu King Dingane invited Piet Retief and some of his men around for a spot of inclusive dialogue, then shouted, “Bulalani abathagathi!” The Voortrekker leader said, “Two sugars please,” but it wasn’t the right response and they were all killed. If you don’t understand Zulu, Oom Kallie, now would be a good time to learn.
Speaking of which, you need to get your sidekick to change the title of his self-help book. Kill the Boer sounds too much like advice. South Africans take things literally, especially the illiterate ones.
I’m not sure I agree with you that the government is complicit in farm murders. Bludgeoning is heavy work and you’d be hard pressed to find a civil servant prepared to lift a finger, let alone a blunt instrument, for less than six figures and a promise of jobs for at least five members of his family.
I must admit to being a little curious about your strategy for getting the government to reverse plans and policies that might level the playing field and nudge Afrikaners off their perch as apex predators. I’m talking purely in the financial sense, here. I don’t mean Afrikaners go around biting people’s legs off, even though they do share some characteristics of that other apex predator, the great white shark. As you know, most Afrikaners have electroreceptors on their foreheads, much like the white shark has the ampullae of Lorenzini on their snouts. If you stroke them, their mouths fall open and they go into a kind of trance, rendering them quite harmless. By the time they come to their senses, some may find their land has been expropriated without compensation.
Warn your people, Oom. Warn them not to let strangers stroke them on the forehead. By strangers I think we both know who I mean. And there’s nothing more strange in this world than people who aren’t white. Am I right? Of course I am. It’s no coincidence that white rhymes with right. Those people what wrote the dictionary knew what they were doing.
Your organisation – which I’m guessing stands for Afrikaners For Umbrage – only has a couple of hundred thousand members. Even though your motto is, “Laat jou stem hoor”, which apparently means, “Let your guns sound with the roar of a thousand lions”, I can’t see how you can take us back to the good old days through a campaign of righteous Christian violence. Not with those numbers. And certainly not without the help of the police and army. They won’t even help normal people, let alone you guys.
Thing is, I have heard talk among white people, or, as some communities affectionately call us, whypeepo, of a growing discontent within the ranks. The ranks being mostly bikers, diesel mechanics and others unfamiliar with the ways of the common apostrophe. They use cryptic phrases like, “Wait. It’s coming. You will see.” I never ask what it is that’s coming, finding it safer to lower my eyes and back away slowly.
The truth is, Oom, I am a bit of a coward. Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not a leftie or a liberal. I am just a simple coward. I know I should be standing shoulder to shoulder with you and Solidarity and the Suidlanders and Dan Roodt and the people who only sing the uit die diepte van ons hemelpart of the anthem at the rugby, but I also know that we are heavily outnumbered and I don’t want to have to fight my way through forty million black people only to get to Simon’s Town and find the last boat has left.
There is a good chance I am wrong because I have been married twice and know all about being wrong, but I would sleep easier at night knowing that Steve Hofmeyr and Julius Malema might one day marry were it not for their height rather than their political differences. Is that wrong? Do I need an exorcism?
This crazy dream of mine is unlikely to come true as long as you keep saying that apartheid was not a crime against humanity. I do agree with you, though. Puffy pants and rhinestone studded denim jackets were a crime against humanity. Having the barman put Pepsi instead of Coke into your brandy is a crime against humanity. But apartheid? Okay, sure. It couldn’t have been much fun not being allowed to visit the beach or a park or cinema, theatre or restaurant, but they had things we didn’t have. Lots of brothers and sisters, for a start. And they weren’t forced to go to school. Or the army. Not a bad life at all.
As you pointed out, the security forces only killed around 700 people while the National Party was running the show. Hardly a crime against humanity. On a good day, the Israelis take care of that many Palestinians before lunch.
And apartheid wasn’t our fault, either. There would have been none of that business in this beautiful country if there had been no black people to start with. But we have forgiven them for making us do the apartheid and it is time they stopped talking about it.
Actually, Oom, there’s something called the Rome Statute that recognises apartheid as a crime against humanity. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking of the marble statute of that kaalgat oke David with the little willy and wondering how a statute can recognise anything.
You and many of your followers are doubly blessed. Not only are you members of the master race but you are also beneficiaries of the Dunning-Kruger Effect. This is what the darkies must mean by white privilege.
Anyway, Oom Kallie, I must go and find my passport in case of the genocide. If the airports are closed, I will see you at the harbour.
Steve:Julius

Where the buffel ous roam

Quite a few white South Africans long for a return to the past. I am one of them. However, while the past they hanker after goes back to the time of PW Botha, I’m more interested in returning to the Golden Age where immortals mingled freely with the gods and there was peace and harmony and nobody had to work.
I don’t know what their flag looked like. Perhaps they didn’t even have a flag. It was a busy time, what with ruler Cronus castrating his father, Uranus, then marrying his own sister Rhea and having six children with her, five of whom he ate because his mother Gaia had told him he’d be overthrown by one of them, but little Zeus survived and was suckled and raised by the divine goat Amaltheia on the island of Crete before going on to make quite a name for himself. Zeus, not the goat. So you can imagine there might not have been time to fiddle about with flags.
I only mention flags because one of them caused a bit of a stir recently. A group of friends visited Brian’s Pub at the less salubrious end of Sea Point’s Main Road and spotted the old South African flag up on the wall. This was followed by a lively discussion and the summonsing of the police, who promptly arrested the complainants. This is standard operating procedure for Cape Town cops.
I lived in Sea Point for a few years and played pool in that pub a couple of times when it was still known as Brian’s Late Nite Tavern. It was a real dive and stayed open longer than any other bars in the area. Around 2am it would begin filling up with junkies and hookers and other creatures of the night. It was great. I don’t remember seeing the old South African flag on the wall. Then again, anyone who drinks at Brian’s is there to forget.
Owner Brian Dunn defended the flag. “That flag did nothing. It’s the politicians that did the problem, not the flag,” he said. “I have all the old flags like Namibia … I have the old Rhodesian flag hanging there also.”
Er, Brian? The old flag of Namibia is the same as the old flag of South Africa. And your Zimbabwean staff, if you have any, must really appreciate having the Rhodesian flag up. After all, it’s not the flag that ruined Zimbabwe – it’s the British. No, wait. It’s Zanu-PF. This is confusing.
A white Namibian-born friend of mine subsequently called for a boycott of Brian’s Pub on her Facebook page. First out of the woodwork was 52-year-old Bernard Herbert of Cape Town.
Bernard Herbert
He asked people to join him in “shoving it in the face” of my friend. “The Oranje Wit & Blou is not illegal, and it is the flag I served under in the SADF. IT STAYS ON MY SLEEVE!!!” he shouted, spraying his cat with spittle.
Repeatedly claiming an IQ of 140, which seems about as likely as Mzwanele Manyi not being a Gupta stooge, Herbert says he is openly proud of his heritage. He must have had some spittle left over because he added, “I especially spit on whites, who make negative comments, while misinterperreting who I am and make judgement and especially, who are traitors to my people, siding with the ideals of those oppressing us!”
A devoted Mormon, our boy says he leads a clean and virtuous life. He pays his TV licence and his etoll account is in credit. That’s right. In credit. As if that’s not enough to question his mental health, it’s also apparent that the best years of his life were spent in the army.
In fact, General Jannie Geldenhuys inducted Rifleman Herbert into the SA Defence Force Association in April this year. His certificate reads, “You as a Military Veteran are recognised for your contribution in the development of the RSA, the sacrifice you made and the price you have paid in serving South Africa selflessly in the South African Defence Force.”
When someone on Facebook called him a wanker, he was quick to point out their error. “Why would one masturbate when they have a wife they can turn to at any time?” Even when she’s cooking or cleaning, I presume. “Don’t stop, honey, this won’t take long.” If only we all had such accommodating wives.
Another snowflake libtard enemy of the alt-right asked why he stayed in Africa instead of moving to, say, Holland. I might be wrong, but I have an idea the Netherlands isn’t exactly clamouring to award citizenship to the likes of our lad Herbert. The Trump administration, on the other hand …
His response, “Because I was born on African soil and I do not yield for anybody, especially when five of every ten of them is mentally retarded.”
Claiming first-hand experience of “the barbarity of those peoples who came from up north”, he said he “saw it in Rhodesia, bearing arms at the age of 9, I saw it serving in the glorious SADF …” I’d heard tell of Ian Smith’s fearless child soldiers but until now I never really believed they existed.
In an earlier post, he says, “I am wearing my browns today, as every day. I still stand alone ready ‘om aan te triej‘ with the first available resistance force …” I suppose it does cut down on the laundry bill.
Herbert says he lives in harmony with the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and denies being a racist. It’s the other people who are racists. Them. The ANC. And the criminals in gummint.
“The only thing is that they are not tried and convicted for these crimes because they protect each other. They have long met the equivalent of the Gadiaton robbers in the Book of Mormon and I will take the stance of Captain Moroni very soon.” No need for the i, there, Captain.
He refers to “the terrorist Mandela”, bemoans violence against white people and accuses law enforcement agencies of being “involved in the racist and apartheid like oppression and stripping of justice for white South Africans”.
He goes on. “At a point we will have no choice but to defend our rights through an armed conflict, and I intend to be on the anti racism side of that conflict, as defined by President Hinckley.” President who? I visited the communist enclave Google for answers. Ah. A former leader of the Mormon Church who died in office at the age of 98. A bit like Mugabe, then, except mortal.
Shockingly, Rifleman Herbert doesn’t agree with people of the same gender raising a child. “Liberals would chain themselves to parliament if man intervened by giving lambs to lions to parent, yet they okay with humans being allowed to.” Absolutely. A lamb’s place is on the braai. Also, lions are gay.
He pledges his support to Vlakplaas killer Eugene de Kock, who he describes as “a friend and patriot” and in a couple of posts references the extreme right Suidlanders – which seems to be Herbert’s organisation of choice. He also describes the recent Knysna fires as a “purposefully executed plan by a terrorist network” and warns people to have their evacuation plans ready.
He denies that this is “prepper sensationalism” saying “We have had a current Colonel in the SAPS brief us at a meeting recently … Let me put it this way, he does not think we are nutcase prophets of doom!”
When someone calls him a “sorry soul”, he responds, “I chose my leaders and the ANC and those things that are anything but honorable that sit in that joke called parliament are not my leaders. I chose to subject myself to my leaders too, because we are a team and we will win, as we have before.” I expect he’s talking about Blood River.
The other day he posted a video of himself walking down what appears to be an empty street in the Cape Town suburb of Du Noon singing Die Stem to prove some or other obscure point.
A word of advice. If you do bump into Bernard Herbert, don’t mention the flag.

A confederacy of dunces

Dear Oberst-Gruppenpresident Trump, Commander of the Washington Militia, Grandest of Wizards und Liberator of the Persecuted White Race,
Congratulations on everything. You are a magnificent specimen of the Herrenvolk and a credit to Caucasians everywhere. I do apologise. I never meant to insult you by using a word with ‘asians’ in it. We must get this devil word banned at once. We should be called Megacaucs or Caucachamps.
What a few days it’s been. First you send that vertically challenged North Korean troglodyte scuttling back to his cave with his vestigial tail wedged firmly between his chubby thighs. Then you single-handedly resurrect hopes for a brand new Confederate States of America.
It might not have been the Battle of Gettysburg, but the Skirmish of Charlottesville is rightfully yours to claim. Even General Robert E Lee started out small.
While more than half a million lives were lost in the Civil War, you sacrificed precious hours on the golf course. And you didn’t complain once. That is the mark of true leader and your name will be written in the anals of history. Oops. Obviously I don’t mean your name will be written in the bumhole of history. What’s the word? Annals, that’s it. I don’t know what it means either. Ban it.
Your country has a rich past from which many lessons can be learned. For instance, when you get around to bringing back slavery, this time try to find darkies who won’t complain about having to work in the cotton fields. Africa is full of people who would jump at a free ride to America. Zimbabweans will do anything to get out of their country. With all the new jobs you’re going to create, you’re going to need a bigger workforce. It doesn’t matter if they are in chains. Not being able to run away means they’ll have more energy at work and they will thank you for it.
I must applaud you on the way you deal with the media. Where did you learn your strategy? Is there a chapter on public relations in Sun Tzu’s Art of War? Good for you. There’s no reason to think that what worked in 5BC won’t work today. And if it doesn’t, there’s always the oft-quoted chapter on branding in Mr A Hitler’s bestselling marketing manual, Mein Kampf. However, branding is heavy work and you will need to procure your own branding iron.
Your three press conferences during and then post Charlottesville were masterful in the way they spread confusion through the ranks of the enemy. And by enemy, I obviously mean everyone who isn’t you, Eric and Donald Jr. I was going to include Melania and Ivanka but the girls appear to have been brainwashed into thinking that white nationalism is somehow wrong.
You need to get them under control, my friend. You can’t have your wife and daughter condemning one side when it’s quite obvious to anyone with half a brain that all sides need condemning. And you, sir, have nothing if not half a brain.
In a stroke of genius, you went on camera a couple of days later and read a statement apparently written for you by the Anti-Defamation League and the National Association for the Advancement of Coloured People, in which you condemned the supremacist groups by name. This confused a lot of people. Many were left wondering if you had taken some kind of magical potion that made you see reason.
Then, while they were still scratching their heads, you burst into the gilt-soaked lobby of Tump Tower and delivered a performance that can only be described as one that stunned admirers and mental health specialists alike. CNN later said there was a “sense of disbelief among some of your advisors”. Of course there was. I, too, can barely believe how awesome you are.
This wasn’t the White House. This was your house. Yours! You built it. Well, Mexicans probably built it. But it was you who bribed someone to give you a permit to put up a building constructed entirely of 24 carat gold. A great building. The best.
I loved the history lesson you gave to the fake media. Should all the statues of George Washington and Thomas Jefferson also be removed because they, like the Confederate hero General Stonewall Jackson, also owned slaves? Of course not. Like you, I believe that every city and town from Virginia to Louisiana should have statues of their most prominent slave owners. Obviously you’d need to incorporate grateful slaves at their feet to fully appreciate the white man’s contribution to making America what it is today.
Well done, by the way, on coining the phrase alt-left and exposing these hate-hating thugs for what they are. Like you, I also watched the video footage of decent God-fearing men – not even bothering to wear their traditional hoods – walking innocently through Charlottesville when they were savagely set upon by poorly dressed vegetarians shouting in their direction. The pacifists were left with no option but to defend their constitutional rights with whatever came to hand, which, fortuitously, happened to be pepper spray, clubs, shields, helmets and semi-automatic weapons.
As you said, these were peaceful folk out for nothing more than an evening stroll. They arrived in Ubers, for heaven’s sake, not Panzer tanks. All they wanted was a singalong by tiki torchlight. Who among us doesn’t fondly recall the songs from the old country? I clearly remember my grandmother singing ‘Blood and Soil‘ to me as a child before going out with granddad for a night of gay bashing and Jew-baiting. Happy times.
Ignore the criticism pouring in from around the world. Some leaders simply want to use big words like “false equivalency” and “mendacious narcissistic sociopath”. Words. Mere words. German Justice Minister Heiki Maas said it was “unbearable” how you were “sugarcoating” what happened in Charlottesville. Oh, please. In Germany you’re not allowed to greet your friend with a Roman salute or a friendly sieg heil or even fly a Swastika from your car aerial. What kind of democracy is that?
Here’s something you didn’t know. Your white supremacists are way more advanced than ours. Yours wear golf shirts and neatly pressed khaki trousers. Ours put on their shoes first and then their pants. If they even have pants. They can barely button up a shirt without help. We have a lot to learn.
Listen bruder, I’m thinking of getting the Afrika Korps together again. Could you send over a few of the good old boys from Alabama? The Suez Canal can be ours by Christmas. Okay, yours. I’ll keep an eye on it to make sure no immigrants use it.
Anyway. Whatever happens, don’t lose the support of too many congressmen or senators. While these are not proper white people as we would like them to be, you still need their support. But if putsch comes to shove and other Republicans want to distance themselves from the White House, have them deported to Pakistan. That should be enough distance.
The South will rise again!
KKK