Don Jr and the Beach Boys are killing it

Dear Safari Club International,

I just wanted to wish you well for your annual trophy hunting bonanza that kicked off in Reno, Nevada, today.

Thousands of hunters from around the world are there. Hang on. If all the hunters are in Reno, who the hell is shooting the animals? Maybe a four-day jamboree isn’t such a good idea after all. Word will get out in the animal kingdom that humans have given up killing for sport and in no time at all they’ll be among the houses, clogging up the roads and trying to enroll their young in our schools.

I see you have some exciting prizes lined up. I like the sound of the 14-day trip to shoot an elephant in Namibia. I lived there for a while and I can tell you that they have more elephants than they know what to do with. And you won’t need two weeks, either. A lot of them are pretty damn tame. You can hold out a chelsea bun and one will be along in a few minutes. You don’t even have to get out of your car. He’ll come right up to the window and you can shoot him in the face without spilling your drink. Maybe let him have the bun first. It would be the humane thing to do.

Buffalo, giraffe and wildebeest are on the menu in Zimbabwe. Sounds like a great package deal. But this is Zimbabwe we’re talking about. Mega shithole. Maybe throw in a meerkat as a sweetener. As if that’s not enough, you’re also offering a 10-day crocodile hunt in South Africa. We have literally thousands of them sprawled around the country. They tend to be lazy and sleep a lot but can turn violent when provoked. No, wait. I’m thinking of our civil servants.

Whoa! What’s this? The big prize is a week in Alaska with Donald Trump Jr! Now you’re talking. Seven days in Sitka with the American president’s least stupid son killing as many black-tailed deer as your guns can handle. That’s gonna be more fun than watching daddy’s pee-pee tape.

Don Jr’s skills were put to the test last year when he gunned down a bunch of endangered sheep in Mongolia. Ya think he’s ready to make the leap to deer? They can be pretty ferocious when cornered. More than sheep, anyway. Oh, but this is a yacht-based hunt so I guess he’ll just be opening up when they head down to the water to drink. Good idea. Far safer. And no chance of drinks being spilled here, either.

And you even managed to get the Beach Boys to play at your party! Nothing says Good Vibrations more than getting a chance to shoot an African lion in the teeth. I see ex-band members Brian Wilson and Al Jardine have a problem with trophy hunting and now want people to stop buying Beach Boys merchandise. Bloody hippies. They obviously did way too much acid in the 60s.

Vocalist Mike Love, on the other hand, is a big fan of killing for sport. He might have love in his name, but he ain’t got none in his heart!

Everybody’s gone shootin’

Shootin’ USA!

12 thoughts on “Don Jr and the Beach Boys are killing it

  1. Cheryl Olynick v

    “It was so tame it would come right up to you. You could shoot it in the face without spilling your drink.” You disgusting piece of garbage; I pray someone will shoot you in the face. Or better yet, your testicles, hoping the penis goes, too.”

    • Dear Cheryl and anyone else who misinterpreted my column as pro-hunting: “A very common, almost defining feature of satire is its strong vein of irony or sarcasm, but parody, exaggeration, juxtaposition, comparison, analogy and double entendre are all frequently used in satirical writing. The essential point is that in satire, irony is militant. This “militant irony” (or sarcasm) often professes to approve the very things the satirist actually wishes to attack.”

  2. chris usami

    Shame on the beach boys. We all know jr doesn’t give a shit about wildlife except where to put the trophies. Shame in the whole dam trump family. DUMP TRUMP

  3. Donna Coley

    Humanity continues to rot. I just wish it would speed up a little bit. I’m tired of waiting for all this crap to be swept away. And as far as Junior goes LOL What a useless waste of life

  4. Pingback: Don Jr and the Beach Boys are killing it (satire) | Journal of African Elephants

  5. Alan Bulllimore

    These stupid buggers won’t be satisfied until the have killed every wild animal on the planet, and all in the name of what?. Perhaps they could start shooting each other instead, last man standing having to shoot himself.

  6. Sheila

    Really loved ur SARCASM! SITUATION OF THESE MURDERERS IS THAT THEY MUST “ALL FALL ON THEIR OWN SWORDS”. AND THEY CAN BE SURE GOD KNOWS WHO THEY R AND WILL GET RATH!!! Yes and it may mean they Suddenly get ANAL CANCER because the are total PSYCHO ASSHOLE SCUM!

    • J Hill

      Sheila, ‘rath’ probably deserves more than ten minutes in one of the deadly sin bins. Maybe a quick w at the appropriate end would please the Great Referee a little better?

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