How to survive

‘Tis that time of year when the have-nots begin stepping up their unannounced visits to the haves and they don’t always knock at the front door. Sometimes they come in through the windows.

If you need advice on how to repel intruders or not die while celebrating the end of 2018, you need to read my book, Art of Survival.

It’s available on my website as a download for the ridiculous price of R50. This makes it an ideal gift for people you don’t want to spend a lot of money on. There are eight of my books available, all as PDF downloads. Which means you can simply email the gift to whoever you wish. After reading it yourself, of course. No need to wrap. No need to even see the person. Perfect.

Contraband

Here is an excerpt from Art of Survival explaining how to get the best out of your dog.

………………………….

LET us be clear on one thing. Dogs are animals. They are not meant to be kept as pets. We have all been to the beach or to a park and seen someone throw a ball for a dog. Perhaps you have even done it yourself. You people make me so angry. Why in God’s name are you encouraging your dog to chase balls when it is blindingly obvious to all who care about these things that he should be chasing criminals? Every time your dog runs after a ball, somewhere out there is a criminal not being chased.

And you, you with that fur-covered beach ball. Oh, it’s a Labrador, is it? Shame, give him another piece of cake. Watch him go into cardiac arrest through the sheer effort of wagging his anaconda-like tail. You, madam, are doing your dog and this country a great disservice. Your Labrador should be a lean, mean killing machine. He should be at home patrolling your perimeter fence, fangs a-slaver and barking mightily at anything that moves.

Big dogs are the infantry in our fight against crime. Their position is at the front. If you only have one dog, get another to watch the back. They are the first line of defence against those who wish to take our stuff and our lives.

Little dogs are signallers in this war. They form part of an early warning system and should be scattered about the property. Their job is to alert the big dogs that something might need checking out.

It is also useful to keep a supply of miniature breeds inside your house. If a burglar does gain entrance, one of the more effective methods of slowing him down is to throw them at him. Do not waste your dogs. Use them wisely. If you have done your job properly, your handheld dogs will have been trained to bite on impact. There are very few burglars who feel comfortable robbing you with half a dozen lapdogs hanging from their face. On the down side, small dogs frequently come with a manufacturer’s defect. Once they start yapping, they frequently forget how to stop. A kick in the ribs usually turns them off.

Breeds

Alsatians make the best guard dogs. Originally bred as all-purpose working dogs, they have a proud history of keeping darkies out of white areas. They also spent a lot of time on God’s side of the Berlin Wall helping to fight communism.

They are handsome hounds, even if a bit right wing, and you will have to watch out for those neighbourhood bitches slipping in for a quickie while your dog is meant to be working.

If you are in the market for an Alsatian, pop in to your local police station and see if there are any on special. Try to get a dog from the drug squad. That way, the days of misplacing your stash will be over.

Alsatians have their own governing body called the Verein für Deutsche Schäferhunde. Being German, the dogs understand what this means but they are often reluctant to talk about it. Perhaps it is like belonging to the Freemasons.

Some famous Alsatians are: Hitler’s dog, Blondi; Rex the Wonder Dog; Rin Tin Tin and Orca of the SAPS KZN Midlands K9 Unit.

Bull terriers would make ideal guard dogs if you could only get them to open their jaws and let go. Nobody wants to pay top dollar for a pedigree dog and then have to cut off its head so the burglar can be thrown into a police car/mortuary van/hole in your back yard.

Whippets are faster than cheetahs in built-up areas. Obviously, out on the plains the cheetah will whip the whippet’s ass any day. When it comes to protecting your house, the whippet isn’t much good. Nobody is likely to be deterred by the sight of its tiny little head, huge chest and ridiculously long legs. That its tail is permanently wedged between its legs is also less than intimidating.

A whippet will only care about whether the strange man climbing over your wall has any food in his pockets. Look at him in a friendly fashion and he will grin gratefully, roll over onto his back and open his legs. If I ever get a chance to dabble in genetics, I am going to cross a whippet with a woman.

Your whippet comes into his own when the burglar tries to flee. To see some real sport, tie something soft and furry (a pair of bunny slippers would work) to the burglar’s ankles and give him a 30 second head start.

Dachshunds are a bit of a gamble insofar as security is concerned. If the burglar does not incapacitate himself with laughter, you might want to have a back-up plan.

Zulu hunting dogs only work if the intruder is a Zulu.

3 thoughts on “How to survive

  1. Bull Terriers will welcome in any intruder, especially if it offers a nice tasty treat like a marrow bone. (Or perhaps just the ones I’ve had.) Thank god they look evil.

  2. Noel le Roux

    Your story telling cracks me up😂 As a dog lover and having owned, during my lifetime spanning almost 7 decades I’ve had a dachshund, 2 labradors, a magnificent German Shepherd, 3 scruffy rescued Maltese poodles and a total of 3 Rottweilers. The small dogs as are the first responders but with their high pitched bark, are not menacing to a perp at all and serve no purpose other than to cuddle and bathe often. We won’t mention the bad breath. My Rotties (all owned over a span of 25 years) are by far the best watch dogs and loyal protectors. The huge bark is enough to make the perp pee in his pants, because it’s stealthy and sudden. I’ve never had to sic my dogs after anyone because one look at the black beast (and I mean the dog) is enough for him to run right out of his shoes. Rottweilers have been labeled vicious but are more gentle with children than one of my other dogs in the past. I always say it’s about training and how they’re raised. If they’re tied up, not exercised enough and provoked by someone while protecting their domain there’s no guarantees. If they’re loved they will lick you to death. That went in a bit too long but I felt I needed to defend my dog breed in return for her amazing loyalty and bring my No 1 cop 👮

  3. Mo Haarhoff

    Rubbish! Daxy’s are utterly fearless and will yap until someone shows them a pair of heels to nip. Our tiny cross min pin attacks pantechnikons, bakkies and motorcycles with gusto.

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