Airplanes, Wedding Trains and the CAR
“If you love me, you will obey my commandments – John 14:15.”
And so it is with Trovato 07:45. Or, if I oversleep, 10:30. President Jacob Zuma is also big on this parable or homily or whatever the he...
Here’s To Alcohol: The cause of – and solution to – all of life’s problems
Instead of trying to find a cure for Aids, medical researchers should rather concentrate on finding a cure for hangovers.
Sure, most hangovers won’t kill you, but more of us suffer from them. And whe...
An Open Letter to President Jacob Zuma
Dear Msholozi,
I am a huge fan of yours and an even bigger supporter of the ANC, that glorious revolutionary movement to which I would dearly love to belong. Since you are the party’s number one memb...
Cut Me, Baby, Cut Me Good
With Brenda gone and a new year unraveling before my bloodshot eyes, it seems an opportune time to take stock of my physical condition.
The degree to which men allow themselves to go to seed once the...
Looking for a Sign in 2013? Have You Checked Uranus?
After a close encounter with a celestial body on New Year’s Eve, I had an epiphany so powerful that I had to go home and change my broeks. It was downhill from then on.
All indications are that 2013 ...
Up Yours, 2012
It has been such a fabulous year.
My mother died, Brenda ran off and shagged a welder in Hermanus and the appalling Jacob Zuma is with us for the next seven years. I can hardly wait to see what 2013 ...
It’s Blood River All Over Again
Today, 174 years ago, the Voortrekkers defeated a Zulu army at the Battle of Blood River. And today, the Boers and the Zulus will join forces to defeat me at the Battle of Gateway Shopping Centre.
Th...
An Open Letter to Santa Claus
Dear Santa,
When I told my friend Ted I was writing to you, he asked whether I had recently suffered a severe blow to the head. He said any idiot knows that Santa doesn't exist. This, from a man who ...
An Open Letter to Angie Motshekga, Minister of Basic Education
Dear Comrade Angie,
Well done on getting the league to nominate Jacob Zuma for a second term as coxswain of the national gravy boat. Without him leading from the stern for another five years, the goo...
What To Do With The Feral Ingrates
School holidays should be abolished.
Our creaking infrastructure and shattered nerves can no longer withstand the blitzkrieg of semi-educated savages at the end of every year.
There should be new ...
Kissing Cousins And Strip Mines
I was going to write about politics this week but the moment I typed the word “Mangaung”, I projectile vomited. I tried again and again and each time I lost more and more of my lunch.
The sound I ma...
JuJu O’Lantern Will Scare The Bejeezus Out Of Anyone
It is Halloween this Wednesday and I, for one, cannot wait to put on my succubus suit and go creeping around the neighbourhood late at night banging on doors, shouting: “Trick or treat!”
The real sp...