The mayhem being wrought by Covid-19 has, with considerable help from the government, caused thousands of people to lose their jobs. Many are looking outside their areas of expertise and will have to take whatever they can find.

I am highly experienced in the field of job-seeking and, as a public service, will be publishing a series of posts to give you an idea of what the ideal application should look like.

You can thank me later.

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Application to Sea Harvest for Fleet Manager: Trawling Division

Dear Sir,

You might as well save yourself some time and shred all the other applications right now. I am your man. There is no doubt about it. I know boats. I was born in a boat. I went to school on a boat. Some people say I am half man, half boat. More importantly, I know fish. Me and fish, we go back. I have hooked, netted, gaffed and bludgeoned, cooked, grilled, fried and filleted everything from kabeljou to koi.

You need a real man for a job like this. A man who enjoys being at sea with other men for weeks at a time. A man who knows how to discipline his crew. Fishermen respond well to violence. They understand it better than they understand their wives. If one of my crew takes too many drugs and gets out of hand, I won’t have to say a word. I will let Gabriel, my tungsten steel baseball bat, do all the talking. This is how a captain gets respect. And this is why I have never had a mutiny on my hands.

I assume it is company policy to provide your fishermen with automatic weapons and RPG7 grenade launchers. I would not want to work for you otherwise. When my crew and I are off the coast of Somalia, or even Muizenberg, it is essential that we are not outgunned by pirates. Once, while fishing for giant squid off Mozambique, I single-handedly slaughtered 27 wild-eyed buccaneers who were attempting to commandeer my ship and make off with its precious cargo. Some of them were my own men.

Having said that, I should make it clear that I am not averse to a spot of plundering of my own. We can discuss this further when I report for work, but I expect that Sea Harvest is open to a little turning of the old blind eye when it comes to pillaging vessels owned by the competition. I am sure you will agree that maritime piracy is the best way to maximise catch rates in this harsh economic climate.

There is nothing stopping us from running up the Jolly Roger and calling ourselves the Vikings of the Atlantic. On stormy days, our boats can raid villages along the Angolan coast, capture hundreds of slaves and put them to work in your processing plants. Catching fish will, however, remain our core business.

As fleet manager, I intend stepping up the rum ration.

Yours sincerely,

“Black Ben” Trovato.

PS. Well done on exporting all your prime quality fish. South Africans can’t tell their bass from their butterfish. Let them eat hake.