An Open Letter To Cape Town Mayor Patricia de Lille

Dear Patsy,

Please reconsider your plan to give the Freedom of Cape Town to American president Barack Obama and his wife. I am not saying this because I am a racist which I am not.

I have two black friends on Facebook. No, wait. One. No, he’s gone, too. Anyway, that’s not the point.

If you give black people free anything, you will have a problem on your hands. Look at Somalia. When those food trucks come in with bags of mielie meal, the people don’t stand in line. They stampede.

Where I come from, being hungry is no excuse for bad manners. It’s not as if the UN is handing out free iPads, for heaven’s sake. 

The same will happen with the Obamas. They will tell their friends and their friends will tell their friends and before you know it there will be a million African-Americans sauntering down Adderley Street demanding free stuff and turning our daughters into prostitutes.

There is also the danger that Obama will misinterpret the gesture. After all, he is half Indonesian and grew up speaking Bengali, or whatever it is they speak in that country.

Do you really want to give him the freedom of the city when there is a chance he will take it to mean that we are giving him the actual city to keep forever? It would be very difficult to get it back after that.

I have a friend who knows someone who has a friend who knows someone who rented his flat to a darkie who stopped paying rent nine months ago and still can’t get him evicted.

A lot of former slaves would jump at the opportunity to come back to Africa and you, my friend, would be opening the floodgates if you gave Obama the keys to the city.

They would stream out of the slums of Atlanta, Miami and Chicago. They would pour off the cotton fields and arrive at Cape Town International Airport with their bottoms hanging out of their trousers.

Why not give the president and his wife something a little more modest? First ladies like food. Ours do, anyway, judging by the size of them. Maybe you could give Michelle an all-you-can-eat voucher to KFC valid for a week. That’s a lot of damn good scoff right there.

You could give Barack something uniquely Capetonian. An ivory-handled Okapi knife signed by Trevor Manuel, perhaps. On second thoughts, he would probably use it to stab Mitt Romney in the kidneys during the election debates later this year. Forget the knife. Give him fish. He won’t be able to hurt anyone with a bucket of snoek.

That’s the other thing. Given Cape Town’s burgeoning Muslim population, wouldn’t this be a bit like giving a pigeon the freedom of a cattery?

Truth is, I think we could all do without this foreigner coming over here and spreading his fancy notions of democracy and equal rights for gays and women. It can only lead to trouble.

Having said that, let us not do anything to upset him lest he sends in the drones. The Cape Flats could do without being flattened any more than they already are.

By the way, when you called Barack and Michelle “the guiding stars to our eventual destination” did you mean they were leading us unto our deaths or did you have a more optimistic star-of-Bethlehem theme in mind?

Either way, it’s destined to end badly.

I should remind you that Nelson Mandela was given the Freedom of Cardiff in 1998. Wales was never the same after that. They lost all their vowels for a start.

The Freedom of the City of London was granted to that backsliding Satanist whore JK Rowling this very year and my heart goes out to all the South African expatriates living there. London will be even more of a living hell once Voldemort gets wind of this.

And the fact that Saddam Hussein was granted the Freedom of Detroit in 1980 shows what such an honour can do to a country’s automobile industry.

Do not take us down this terrible road. Let Cape Town be for the Capetonians. And when I say Capetonians, I mean decent white folk.

And you, of course, Patsy.

3 thoughts on “An Open Letter To Cape Town Mayor Patricia de Lille

  1. Gem

    omg!!, this is so hilarious, kudos to you. yet you are so spot on, why in the name of i dont know what are we giving him the keys to the city of capetown? he has never even visited our country since he became prez and if the conservatives have their way, he may get booted out of the seat before he thinks of landing in mzanzi sometime.

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