An open letter to Chinese premier Wen Jiabao

Dear comrade premier,

What is this I hear about you buying my country? I sincerely hope the rumours are not true. My friend Ted and I have spent the past two years saving up and we are on the brink of putting in a cheeky offer for the Eastern Cape. We wouldn’t take kindly to being gazumped.

Personally, I don’t think you have bought the country at all. The ANC, maybe. But not the country. If there is one thing the Chinese have, it’s an impeccable sense of timing. Look at Bruce Lee. He could take down half a dozen heavily armed snakeheads using nothing more than perfect timing and a pair of nunchucks.

Anyone thinking of buying South Africa would do well to hold fire. Our stock is still relatively high off the back of the Soccer World Cup and this has kept the retail price at an unsustainably high level. I would suggest waiting until the current crop of leaders are elbowed aside and the mewling, puking brats of the Youth League take over the Union Buildings. Give them a year and the country will be worth next to nothing. President Malema will be busy driving the Oppenheimers off their land and pillaging the last of the gold. That’s when you make your move.

Here I am, giving you investment advice. How stupid. Especially since it’s my plan. If there is one thing the Chinese don’t need, it’s someone telling them where to put their money.

A lot of people, ignorant drunks, mainly, are quick to complain about China. They shake their heads like dimwitted oxen, and say: “Those bloody rice-eating savages are taking over the world.” They say this as if we will all be speaking Mandarin by Christmas. Preposterous. You would want to introduce it in the schools first, wouldn’t you?

I have no problem with China taking over the world. After all, it’s the only way you could be absolutely certain that the Dalai Lama wouldn’t be given a visa for any country, anywhere, ever again. China already has the technology to put a man on the moon. That man must be the Dalai Lama. We South Africans are deeply traumatised after witnessing the public meltdown of our preeminent prelate. This cannot be allowed to happen again.

On the other hand, anyone caught going to church in China is beaten like a Falun Gong and packed off to the re-education camps. Our country is awash in practising Christians and you will need a lot of Shenzhou spacecraft if you hope to send them all to the moon. Please let me know how I can help to ensure the success of this mission.

Mr Premier, I like the Chinese. I really do. In fact, the only thing I don’t like about you is your inscrutability. I know you won’t be offended because 5.7 billion other non-Chinese people feel just like I do. I am sure you will be the first to admit that you all look the same. Perhaps this is why the South African government awarded you honorary darkie status. Presumably this wasn’t done because you were oppressed, but rather to help guide the hands of those who dish out the tenders.

I feel uncomfortable not know what you are thinking, how you’re feeling or where you are looking. You can tell in an instant what is going through the heads of us round-eyes. We wear our faces on our sleeves. Our next president, Kgalema Motlanthe, should be declared an honorary Chinese. He also has black hair and nobody has ever seen his eyes. We never know what he is thinking. More worrying, we don’t even know if he is thinking.

Apart from that, you are a fine nation indeed. A tad on the short side, perhaps, but as Ted always says, if sardines were the size of sharks, the tins would have to be a lot bigger.

And if the Chinese were built like the Dutch, the world would need to produce far more bauxite, tungsten, zinc, alumina and whatever else it is that you people eat.

How about these kidneys? And I don’t mean on toast, either. I mean the ones that are harvested from prisoners executed in China and sold to patients in third world countries like Britain. Nice little money-spinner. We don’t have the death penalty, but we do have prisoners. By the jailful. Most of them don’t deserve a second kidney. They don’t even deserve a second chance. Sadly, we aren’t allowed to kill them. However, they are allowed to kill each other. South Africa’s cloud is full of silver linings.

Speaking of which, well done on standing your ground and vetoing the UN Security Council resolution on possible sanctions against Syria. President Bashar al-Assad is a democrat and a humanitarian. Yes, he might suffer from intermittent explosive disorder – and who doesn’t in these tense times – but he is not an indiscriminate killer. When it comes to killing, he does it in a very disciplined fashion. The people of Syria will thank you for your stance. And if they don’t, let Nato bomb the hell out of them.

Let me assure you, comrade premier, of South Africa’s continued support. And please know that when we talk of the yellow peril, we talk of jaundice, not the Chinese.

See Yu Soon, Yu Stin Ki Pu.

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