An Open Letter To President Barack Obama

Dear Comrade Barack,

Yeehaa! What a week! I can hardly see, my eyes are so red and swollen from celebrating. I never imagined that so many of your people could shed their conservative carapaces and be so progressive and open-minded on something as important as this. Indeed, my friend. The results went a long way towards restoring my faith in Americans. History has been made.

Who will ever forget where they were when they first heard that Colorado and Washington state had voted to legalise marijuana? What a moment. Or so I believe. I don’t recall where I was because my short-term memory is shot. My doctor tells me it’s probably a survival mechanism that will fade once I remember to emigrate.

Oh, yeah. I almost forgot. You guys also had an election, didn’t you? Of course you did. It’s all coming back to me now. Well done on trouncing that maniac with the magic underpants.

To be honest, I thought Hurricane Sandy might have put a spanner in your wheel of fortune. Where I come from, this sort of thing usually bodes ill for a politician’s future. For instance, our president recently visited a clan in the Eastern Cape. While he was there, a thunderstorm broke out. A lawyer representing a rival clan said the storm was no coincidence, but rather an indication that the ancestors had rejected the president. I am surprised Mitt Romney failed to play the ancestor card during the hurricane. No wonder he lost.

A word of advice. Get your supporters to stop chanting, “Four more years!” This creates the impression that you will go quietly at the end of your second term. Keep your options open. After all, the blood of the Mau Mau runs in your veins.

Let Africa be your guide. Cameroon’s president has just celebrated his sixth term. In accordance with local tradition, he used water cannons and teargas to thank his people for their continued support. Angola’s President Jose dos Santos has been propped up by your oil companies for decades. And in Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe has been in power for over a hundred years. There is no reason you shouldn’t follow in their footsteps.

And what is this enemy-controlled Congress I keep hearing about? No good can come of it. What’s the point of being president if you can’t get anything done because a pack of Tea Party terrorists are standing in your way? You are going to end up a lame duck if you’re not careful. Again, look to Africa for solutions.

I suggest you get SEAL Team Six onto it right away. Take out a couple of key congressmen and the rest will jump ship or flee for the foothills. It works in KwaZulu-Natal and it can work in Washington DC.

People say they want change? Well, now is your chance to give it to them. In spades. I beg your pardon. I meant no disrespect. Some of my favourite gardening tools are spades.

What I am trying to say is that you don’t want to end up like Bill Clinton opening supermarkets and having phone sex because your wife lost her libido the moment you lost your job.

Here’s what you need to do. Go big on immigration. Let everyone in. Actually, once I’m in you can shut the doors. Flood the suburbs with mobile abortion clinics. Offer a free handgun with every termination. The Republicans will be conflicted. Ramp up the China-bashing. Declare a three-day working week. Donate self-igniting American flags to Arab nations as a gesture of goodwill. Turn Thanksgiving Day into a day of giving thanks to the American Indians for putting up with those dreadful pilgrims. End the war in Afghanistan by offering green cards to the Taliban. Fire three disarmed nuclear warheads into Russia to keep them on their toes. Encourage FBI agents to experiment with their sexuality. Invade a bunch of countries that aren’t expecting it. Like Britain. And Israel.

Arrest David Cameron and Benjamin Netanyahu and install new leaders. Ones who know how to have fun. Send an attack helicopter to pick up Julian Assange at the Ecuadorian embassy and drop him off at his new home in Downing Street. Have some girls waiting for him. Also, I know this really cool Jewish dude you can get to run Israel. Well, he’s more of a non-practising Jew in that he loves bacon, hasn’t been circumcised and doesn’t wear a yarmulke. Or celebrate Hanukkah, Purim or Rosh Hashanah. Okay, so he’s Irish. Apart from that, he’s pretty kosher. You’d like him.

Lastly, don’t be afraid of a little corruption. You have until 2016 to feather your nest. Clean government is an oxymoron and these days there is a new honour among thieves.

When our president Zuma congratulated you on your victory and said, “We value our relations with the United States and look forward to strengthening bilateral cooperation in the years to come”, what he really meant was we value our relatives in America and look forward to a bit more back-scratching in the near future.

Don’t let us down now, y’hear? If we can’t hear the sound of one hand washing the other come January, we’re going to send you our tired, our poor, our huddled masses yearning to breathe free. And trust me when I say you really don’t want that.

So don’t be a stranger. Maybe you had visa issues, but you only visited sub-Saharan Africa once during your first term. Forget those countries at the top. They’re doomed. That’s the price they pay for being too close to Europe.

Come and see us. We might not have much of a growth rate, but we do have unlimited hot chicken wings and even hotter women.

Good luck and stay away from the edge of that fiscal cliff. Tell Michelle and the girls I say howzit.

Four more beers! Four more beers!

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