An open letter to transport minister Sibusiso Ndebele

Dear S’bu,

Have you lost your mind? You cannot lower the speed limit on freeways to 100km/h. Your colleagues would have you certified and taken to a mental institution. Even the AA is against it, and my mother always said that if there’s anyone you should listen to, it’s Alcoholics Anonymous.

I reach 90km/h just reversing up my driveway. If you reduced the speed limit, we might as well let the freeways fall into disrepair and introduce the horse as the government’s preferred method of transport. Even that wouldn’t make you happy. I know a horse that can do 120km/h without breaking a sweat. Okay, technically it’s not a horse. It’s a cheetah. But still.

I never thought I’d say this, but we should be following the example set by the Germans. There is no speed limit on their autobahns. With the right car, you can have breakfast in Berlin, lunch in Paris, an afternoon joint in Amsterdam, then invade a bit of Poland and still be home in time for schnapps and whores.

Let’s face it, S’bu. You’re doing your countrymen a disservice. Darkies have to drive fast because they are always late. For everything. So am I. And I’m not just saying this in the hope that the government will declare me an honorary darkie, like they did the Chinese. Although that would be nice. I could certainly use a big fat tender.

In the old days, before the whiteys arrived with their ridiculous notions of punctuality, things unfolded in accordance with the sun’s position. This is why the only darkies who are in time for anything are those who have a Breitling on their wrist and a sunroof in their car. I’m going to stop now before I get fired for being a racist, which I’m not because some of my best friend are … excuse me for a minute.

Sorry about that. A swarthy gentleman was walking past my gate in a suspicious manner and I had to sort it out. Like many of us indigenous expatriates caught in potentially catastrophic situations, I said, “Excuse me, can I help you?” He turned out to be a chemical engineer from Sudan and wanted to know if I could help him get President Omar al-Bashir shipped to The Hague to stand trial so that his country could get back onto its feet. I let him have a drink from my hosepipe and warned him that not everyone in my neighbourhood would be as accommodating.

Anyway. If you bring it down to 100km/h, the carnage will be unimaginable. At that speed, people will begin to read books, send text messages and even have sex while they are behind the wheel. I know I will. And skabengas who go to gym will be able to jog alongside us and remove items of value at their leisure.

Accidents will still happen. The only difference being that it will take people longer to die. There will be more speed traps, more revenue for the state, more summonses served, more servers ringing my doorbell, more of me not opening the door.

Think it over, comrade.

Yours in the fast lane,

Ben Trovato

4 thoughts on “An open letter to transport minister Sibusiso Ndebele

  1. Amu says:

    Like SATAWU said, statements made in anger are not always well thought through. Sbu must take a chill pill. Thanks for the great insight Trovato.

  2. AZ says:

    100km/hr is slower than the speed of the gravey train. How will those ones that missed the last pick-up point ever catch up again. Very inconsidered for the fellow comrades

  3. Ben Trovato says:

    Thank you for the wild overstatement. Much appreciated.

  4. Lytebringer says:

    OMG this piece is an absolute gem! I dont think there is anyone on this planet who can match your literary genius Mr Travato!

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