Dear President Museveni, Supreme Ruler of the Pearl of Africa, Teacher of Lessons, Father of Children, Guardian of Public Morality and Confirmed Heterosexual for Life.

Congratulations on signing the Anti-Homosexuality Act, which has now been passed into law by your MPs. You are a true visionary. This new law will go down in the history books with other outstanding pieces of legislation, like the one in Saudi Arabia that bans women from driving cars and the one in the United Arab Emirates that allows a man to beat his wife.

I assume the law was necessary after it became apparent that homosexuality was beginning to overwhelm your country. I cannot imagine what must have gone on outside Entebbe International Airport every time fresh meat arrived. Male tourists being fondled and groped by rampaging gangs of lisping men in Spandex shorts. Female visitors being slathered with whipped cream and licked to death by frenzied mobs of lesbians. The transgendered loitering on street corners waving both sets of genitals at passing motorists. It must have been too terrible for words.

I heard that the streets of Kampala were littered with the bodies of same-sex couples copulating with no regard for the delicate African sensibilities of normal men like you and me. I imagine that when you left the palace you needed a fire truck to drive ahead of your convoy and hose them down so that you could pass.

You only have 36 million people in your country. If you hadn’t stepped in, Uganda would have been deserted in less than a hundred years. Hyenas would gnaw on the bones of the last heterosexual. We need to keep breeding, Mr President. And quickly. There are only one billion people in the whole of Africa. That’s the population of a Chinese village.

As your scientists will no doubt have informed you, homosexuals cannot breed because gay men do not have sperm. Their ejaculate – and I do apologise for my language – consists of glitter and baby seahorses. Luckily they don’t live very long (the seahorses), or your city’s water supply would be full of them by now. Lesbians, of course, cannot have children because they don’t have ovaries – they have something else. Something made of studded leather. Scientists are still struggling to come up with a name for it.

I believe your progressive new law allows for different penalties for different acts. Fair enough. It would be silly to chop someone’s head off just because he was seen holding another man’s hand. And besides, men hold hands all the time in Africa. I have seen pictures of our very own Jacob Zuma holding hands with Robert Mugabe. And we know for a fact that Zuma isn’t firing seahorses. Just last weekend there were pictures of our Julius Malema holding hands with Carl Niehaus. This truly is love that dare not speak its name.

I don’t know what your law says, but I expect that kissing another man would get you ten years in prison. Thirty years for fellatio sounds about right. I would hate to have a willy in my mouth. My ex-wife felt the same, unfortunately. Perhaps I should have taken her to the United Arab Emirates and beat her soundly.

Penetrative sex, needless to say, should get you life in jail. I am sure your prisons, like ours, are jammed with dangerous criminals sodomising one another every minute of every day. That should straighten out your offenders in no time at all.

I see you signed the law after your scientists told you that nobody is born gay. In other words, it’s genital, not genetic. That worries me a bit, I must say. I don’t want to be shopping in Woolworths and I reach for the low-fat blueberry muffins and WHAM! I sashay out of the shop five minutes later, fighting an overpowering urge to shag the car guard right there and then.

We need to remain vigilant, comrade. If you start feeling peculiar, kill a small animal with your bare hands, drink its blood and take one of your female staff roughly from behind. That should sort it out.

Your scientists must have also told you that certain homosexual acts are contagious. If, for instance, you accidentally brush against a man who engages in flibbing, you may find yourself wanting to dangle your testicles in a bowl of chicken giblets and then eat them. The giblets, not your testicles. That would be more of a German thing.

Floppy-wristed liberal deviants criticise you for saying that homosexuality is “unnatural”. Perhaps it isn’t in girly countries like France, but it certainly is in Africa. You know what is natural? Young boys in camouflage uniforms riding around on the back of pick-up trucks shooting rebels in the face. Your Idi Amin was my kind of man. The only male organs he ever put in his mouth were the freshly eviscerated hearts of his enemies.

I can’t believe Barack Obama had the audacity to rap you over the knuckles when you signed the law back in 2014. What kind of brother is he? At least South Africa is showing some solidarity. Naledi Pandor, our radiant home affairs minister at the time, said there was no need to comment on your new law. Fortunately, you’re far enough away for us not to have to worry about thousands of heavily accessorised refugees flouncing across our border. They would certainly give new meaning to the term “refugee camp”. I apologise. This is no time for jokes.

You have said that Westerners brought homosexuality to your country. Can’t argue with that. The British are masters of perversion. Government ministers are regularly found at night in parks around London on their hands and knees canvassing support from the erectorate. Westminster on a Friday afternoon is like ancient Rome under Nero. The shrieking, squealing and purging into the state vomitorium can be heard halfway to Scotland.

A report found that 96% of Ugandans believe their society should not accept homosexuality. That alone should silence your critics. Who cares that 96% of Ugandans also believe that using witchcraft is the best way to get promoted, rich or laid? Let the numbers speak for themselves.

Much like my government, I don’t wish to interfere. But are you aware that this aberrant community extends further than gays and lesbians? I wouldn’t like to see a situation where bisexual, queer, transgendered and intersex people slip through the cracks, so to speak. I don’t know what an intersex person is, but it forms part of their LGBTQI acronym. You also need to clamp down on acronyms. They are a construct of the West and, if you’re not careful, can easily lead to other things.

The gay Nordic countries have already started withholding aid to Uganda. So what? Would you rather have a healthy economy knowing that men were doing unspeakable things to other men late at night inside their homes with the curtains drawn and all the lights off, or would you prefer to have a desperately poor, sick, uneducated and hungry nation of heterosexuals knowing that all the gays are in jail?

If you are going to do this thing properly, it is vital that you outlaw homosexual acts in the animal kingdom as well. Beasts are banging away at an alarming rate with an appalling disregard for the shape of one another’s genitalia. Would you want your children accidentally stumbling upon two male dwarf chimpanzees having sex? I know I wouldn’t. It’s not just chimps, either. Lions do it to each other. So do crabs. Boy giraffes love it up the bum. And every tenth pair of seagulls is lesbian.

A final friendly word of advice. Don’t ever visit Cape Town. You’ll have a nervous breakdown.