Subject: For the attention of Mr Hatem Yavuz of the Hatem Yavuz Group, purveyors of fine pelts and furs
Dear Mr Yavuz,
I understand you are the last remaining buyer of Namibian seal skins. Well done! You deserve a medal for sticking to your guns (not to mention your fleshing knives) while everyone else has capitulated to the limp-wristed flower-sniffers. The homosexual European Union has banned the sale of seal products and even the Canadian government, one of our staunchest allies in the fight against seals, is considering an end to culling.
If this happens, Namibia will be the only country in the world courageous enough to continue clubbing pups for their pelts and shooting bulls for their genitals. Their president must have Turkish blood in him.
As you know, seals are nothing more than cold-blooded killers who wouldn’t think twice about tearing our throats out. It is only because of people like you that our children are able to play on the beach without fear of being attacked by marauding gangs of drug-crazed biker seals.
I am deeply concerned, however, that someone has got to you. I read somewhere that you are offering to sell your stake in the sealing industry to Francois Hugo, a dangerous man who lives beneath an upturned boat in Hout Bay harbour. Are you aware that Hugo is a well-known seal hugger? If he buys you out, Namibia’s seals will never again be killed. They will spit in our faces and there won’t be a thing we can do about it.
The good news is that for Hugo to achieve his evil goal, he will have to cough up around $14-million. From what I have heard, he can barely afford lunch. However, we should not underestimate the wealth of those who foolishly think that seals were put on this earth for purposes other than providing our oriental brothers and sisters with aphrodisiacs and shiny coats.
I read your recent letter to Namibia’s New Era newspaper and was impressed to hear that you have been converting animals into fashion statements for more than 15 years. So you’re Turkish? That would explain the name. Here’s an idea for a new slogan. “We Hate ’em, You Wear ’em.” Did you know hatem is Arabic for seal? What a coincidence.
Emigrating to Sydney was a smart move. Kevin Rudd’s government is made up of a bunch of good old koala-bashers who love the Japanese for getting rid of those unsightly whales that loll about scoffing all the shrimp in Australia’s territorial waters. I’m sure they treat you like a hero at your local pub.
As you said in your letter, if you don’t buy Namibia’s seal oil and skins, then the Chinese will. God forbid. These people already dominate the mink, fox, raccoon, chinchilla, rabbit, gerbil, weasel and Siberian husky industries. The least they can do is leave the seals for the Australian Turks.
The delicately boned plant-whisperers should also take note of your statement that, by putting seal fur on the market, you actually reduce the culling of American beavers. At first the logic baffled me, but after a dozen beers it made sense. You are giving consumers more of a choice. Beaver or seal, madam? I can see how that might save a few. Personally, I have a thing for beaver, but that’s just me.
As you rightly pointed out, the fur and leather trade is almost dead in Europe, presumably because everyone is spending their money on whores, drugs and therapy. The east, “the new world”, as you call it, has caught up to where the west was a century ago and now it is their turn to parade about in the skins of whatever species they please.
You also made the connection between Namibia’s seal problem and Australia’s kangaroo problem. Both need to be killed if we hope to preserve our way of life. It must be said that you have chosen the best of the two. Imagine how long it would take to bludgeon 85 000 seal pups to death if they hopped about like kangaroos.
You’re right when you say Francois Hugo has his numbers wrong. He makes out that Namibia has four breeding pairs of seals left but I have been to Swakopmund and I have seen entire families of seals window-shopping, browsing in the markets and even having tea and cake at Café Anton. The shiny black bastards are everywhere.
Don’t waste your time waiting for Hugo to come up with the cash. The concessionaires are getting restless and they may start clubbing white people if you don’t move fast. Put your order in now before the Namibian government bends over for the Chinese. And don’t worry that you were unable to sell most of this year’s stock. Next year will be different. Next year, everyone will want to look and smell like a seal.
See you at the club.
PS. If you can spare a few bull testicles, please send them my way. I suspect Brenda might rethink matters if I upsized my willy.