Militia madness and other tales of mayhem

In South Africa, you needn’t be an extremist nutjob to be anti-government. In fact, given the ANC’s track record, it would be almost unpatriotic to give them your unquestioning support. But, like most things in life, there are degrees. As the official opposition, the Democratic Alliance could be said to be anti-government. Yet you’re unlikely to find Helen Zille feverishly reading The Anarchist Cookbook or John Steenhuisen making improvised incendiary devices in his garage on weekends. More’s the pity.

We don’t even have a decent militia in this country. Sure, the EFF calls its nonessential members ground forces, and there’s that ragtag band of brigands led by Brigadier-General Carl Niehaus (Ret.) who have been known to put on a fairly entertaining cabaret with matching homoerotic outfits and synchronised shouting. But those aren’t proper militias. Now, America. There’s a country that knows how to do militias.

There are four groups with a national presence – the Constitutional Sheriffs, the Oath Keepers, the Three Percenters and the awesomely named Not Fucking Around Coalition, who don’t actively encourage white members. You might have seen pictures of them marching, armed to the teeth, through Lafayette, Louisiana, a couple of years ago. Man, if I were black, that’s the crew I’d hang with.

There are 35 statewide groups, including the pro-Trump North Country Deplorables (thanks Hillary) and the Ohio Regulars. And there are at least 50 local militia groups ranging from the Illinois Sons of Liberty to the Texas Light Foot Militia.

In 2020, a bunch of freedom-lovin’ good ole boys connected to an adorable group called the Wolverine Watchmen came out of the woodwork. Once the meth wore off, they were planning to kidnap Michigan’s Democrat governor Gretchen Whitmer and “put the tyrant on trial for treason” because she closed the gyms and wanted everyone to wear masks coz of some liberal fake-ass virus that don’t even exist, bro.

I remember in 2010 when the FBI arrested members of a militia called the Hutaree Christian Warriors and charged them with sedition because they were plotting to overthrow the government. Our government spends so much time plotting to overthrow itself that we don’t even need a militia.

Anyway, the Hutaree hoped this would provoke a war and give them the chance to destroy Washington, the devil’s headquarters.

Prosecutors said they were planning to kill a police officer, then target the funeral with homemade bombs to raise the death toll. Police, being an arm of the government, were the spawn of Satan. Fair enough. We all have our idiosyncrasies. The defence said their clients’ conversations were constitutionally protected free speech, not plans for an attack. My kind of lawyer.

I checked out the Hutaree’s website at the time.

At the top of their home page, replete with camouflage background, were the words, “John 15:13 Greater love hath no man than this; that a man lay down his life for his friends.”

A noble enough sentiment, although given the kind of friends I have, I’d think twice before laying down a picnic blanket, let alone my life. Below that was a photograph of 17 men in the woods. All in camo and carrying what looked like M16 rifles. Just the sort of people you want to come across while out foraging for magic mushrooms.

Then there was this bit: “Preparing for the end time battles to keep the testimony of Jesus Christ alive.” Is this the same Jesus Christ who preached love for his fellow man? Must be. Jesus faced trumped-up charges of blasphemy. This posse faced charges of seditious conspiracy, attempted use of weapons of mass destruction and teaching the use of explosives. One defendant even shot his cat with a .357-caliber handgun to “harden” himself for the upcoming battle. I can’t see how Jesus would have approved. Unless he was a dog person.

The Hutaree also offered fans a glimpse into their exciting lifestyle by way of a video showing camouflaged men running and shooting, standing next to a car and shooting, lying down and shooting, kneeling and shooting. I couldn’t see what they were shooting at. A cardboard cutout of a black Jewish lesbian, perhaps. There was a bit of smoke to make it look more like Vietnam and less like a picturesque woodland cared for by the local parks department.

There were other videos of the lads preparing for an apocalyptic battle with Beelzebub’s forces (cops, tax collectors, librarians etc). In one of them, God’s stormtroopers “attacked” a mock United Nations base and burned the UN flag. They then ran their own flag up the pole. The Hutaree flag – bearing the words Colonial Christian Republic – looked like it was designed by the artistically challenged teenage progeny of Damien from The Omen and Regan from The Exorcist.

According to the website, Hutaree meant “Christian warrior”. It didn’t say in what language, but I think we can rule out Sioux or Swahili.

Hutaree members used a system of paramilitary ranks with the titles of Radok, Boramander, Zulif, Arkon, Rifleman and Lukore. Whoever came up with Rifleman clearly came late to the meeting and hadn’t yet drunk the Kool-Aid.

Keen to learn more about these righteous defenders of the faith, I clicked on the About Us link and found a convoluted passage from Luke that spoke of the Antichrist, moneybags, a knapsack, sandals and something about selling your clothes to buy a sword. Maybe it was from Luke Skywalker.

It went on: “The Hutaree will one day see its enemy and meet him on the battlefield – if so God wills it.” Sounded a bit like something lifted from Osama bin Laden’s hilarious first book, Fundamentalism for Beginners.

Another link took me to the doctrine of the Hutaree. There was a mention of 10 virgins. Pathetic, really. The Muslims have 72. “The wise ones took enough oil to last the whole night, just in case the bridegroom was late. The foolish ones took not enough oil to last the whole night and figured that the bridegroom would arrive earlier than he did.” Confused? I was too. It sounded more like the doctrine of the Playboy mansion.

A sympathetic Michigan judge acquitted almost all of the accused – she was probably related to most of them – and ordered that their seized property be given back. Nobody went to jail and the FBI even had to return Tina Mae Stone’s six guns, including her AR-15 semi-automatic rifle.

Three of the less bright dudes then filed a lawsuit against the federal agents who had infiltrated their group. It got tossed out. They appealed, saying their First Amendment right to the free exercise of religion had been violated when the feds confiscated their Bibles. And that their Second Amendment rights were also violated when their huge stash of guns, ammunition and material to make pipe bombs was seized, even though they had already got most of it back.

It was like Edwin Sodi up on charges of corruption linked to the asbestos scam and then still claiming the Free State government owes him R25 million on the contract.

The last of the Hutaree lost their appeal in 2015. Two years later, Donald Trump became president. And there is every indication that he is set to become president again.

America has gone berserk. It’s time to send in the psychiatrists. No more boogaloo for you, baby.

8 thoughts on “Militia madness and other tales of mayhem

  1. Matty Poo says:

    It must be really hard to write satirically about this. They’re doing all the work for you. In the end you have a hard news story.

    1. Ben Trovato says:

      Yeah, it’s not easy to get a handle on the lighter side of genocide.

  2. Pierre Mare says:

    “……..bearing the words Colonial Christian Republic” – oh well, never did like the song Haasie, and the similarly abbreviated band, CCR

  3. geoff says:

    ps the well-dressed Fafo boy in the middle of the pic above-his grimace looks a little posed methinks?

  4. geoff says:

    Morning Benjamin. The whole thinking nominally white anglo-saxon protestant world has gone mad. Now I am all for taking in genuine refugees whose lives are at risk, but well dressed people in expensive inflatables wearing brand new orange life jackets being helped out of said boats and escorted off to the nearest hotel for a hot meal and a spot of good english telly with a nice cuppa, does not fit the bill. And then, out of thousands of similar cases, there is the story about the convicted somali rapist who, five years later has only just been deported from the UK back to his promised land and local justice! The civilised world is in the grip of the woke rabble whose numbers grow daily as they pour out of comprehensive schools, untouchable, unsmackable and unrepentant. As a lad I got a regular clip round the earhole and many sets of 6 bacon slices on my backside with the side of a ruler. It never did me any harm-I mean, look how I turned out!
    Fondest G

  5. Val maclean says:

    Hahaha hahaha. Thanks for the laugh. I can always rely on you.

  6. Paddy B says:

    Thank you again for a good few belly laughs. In this crazy world we all need to laugh or at least giggle each day.

  7. Themba Dube says:

    Another masterpiece, Trovato. Thanks for the good laugh, mate.

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