Airplanes, Wedding Trains and the CAR
“If you love me, you will obey my commandments – John 14:15.”
And so it is with Trovato 07:45. Or, if I oversleep, 10:30. President Jacob Zuma is also big on this parable or homily or whatever the he...
Why Mickey Mouse Would Make A Better President Than Jacob Zuma
Mickey is black but he has a white face. This means he stands a good chance of being accepted across the racial spectrum.
Mickey is keenly aware of the importance of personal hygiene. For a start, yo...
Watching The Defectives
The ANC has once again dipped its grubby little paws into a Checkers bag full of recycled careerists and come up with an interim board for the SABC.
“Comrades, we’re offering you this chalice.”
“Wha...
Cut Me, Baby, Cut Me Good
With Brenda gone and a new year unraveling before my bloodshot eyes, it seems an opportune time to take stock of my physical condition.
The degree to which men allow themselves to go to seed once the...
Looking for a Sign in 2013? Have You Checked Uranus?
After a close encounter with a celestial body on New Year’s Eve, I had an epiphany so powerful that I had to go home and change my broeks. It was downhill from then on.
All indications are that 2013 ...
Up Yours, 2012
It has been such a fabulous year.
My mother died, Brenda ran off and shagged a welder in Hermanus and the appalling Jacob Zuma is with us for the next seven years. I can hardly wait to see what 2013 ...
It’s Blood River All Over Again
Today, 174 years ago, the Voortrekkers defeated a Zulu army at the Battle of Blood River. And today, the Boers and the Zulus will join forces to defeat me at the Battle of Gateway Shopping Centre.
Th...
An Open Letter to Santa Claus
Dear Santa,
When I told my friend Ted I was writing to you, he asked whether I had recently suffered a severe blow to the head. He said any idiot knows that Santa doesn't exist. This, from a man who ...
What To Do With The Feral Ingrates
School holidays should be abolished.
Our creaking infrastructure and shattered nerves can no longer withstand the blitzkrieg of semi-educated savages at the end of every year.
There should be new ...
Kissing Cousins And Strip Mines
I was going to write about politics this week but the moment I typed the word “Mangaung”, I projectile vomited. I tried again and again and each time I lost more and more of my lunch.
The sound I ma...
The Whine Route
I stand in solidarity with the striking grape-pickers of the Western Cape because I, too, was once a picker of grapes. Not here, of course. Our wine farms would never hire white pickers, especially no...
Misanthropy Is The Life For Me
Wednesday started well enough with a near-drowning experience at North Beach and a few mugs of electric tea with the legendary lawyer Psycho Syd Taverner, followed by an unexpected nap and a frighteni...