05
May
Airplanes, Wedding Trains and the CAR
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By
Ben Trovato
“If you love me, you will obey my commandments – John 14:15.”
And so it is with Trovato 07:45. Or, if I oversleep, 10:30. President Jacob Zuma is also big on this parable or homily or whatever the he...
11
Apr
Why Mickey Mouse Would Make A Better President Than Jacob Zuma
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By
Mickey is black but he has a white face. This means he stands a good chance of being accepted across the racial spectrum.
Mickey is keenly aware of the importance of personal hygiene. For a start, yo...
24
Mar
Watching The Defectives
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By
The ANC has once again dipped its grubby little paws into a Checkers bag full of recycled careerists and come up with an interim board for the SABC.
“Comrades, we’re offering you this chalice.”
“Wha...
13
Jan
Cut Me, Baby, Cut Me Good
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By
With Brenda gone and a new year unraveling before my bloodshot eyes, it seems an opportune time to take stock of my physical condition.
The degree to which men allow themselves to go to seed once the...
06
Jan
Looking for a Sign in 2013? Have You Checked Uranus?
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By
After a close encounter with a celestial body on New Year’s Eve, I had an epiphany so powerful that I had to go home and change my broeks. It was downhill from then on.
All indications are that 2013 ...
30
Dec
Up Yours, 2012
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By
It has been such a fabulous year.
My mother died, Brenda ran off and shagged a welder in Hermanus and the appalling Jacob Zuma is with us for the next seven years. I can hardly wait to see what 2013 ...
16
Dec
It’s Blood River All Over Again
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By
Today, 174 years ago, the Voortrekkers defeated a Zulu army at the Battle of Blood River. And today, the Boers and the Zulus will join forces to defeat me at the Battle of Gateway Shopping Centre.
Th...
14
Dec
An Open Letter to Santa Claus
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By
Dear Santa,
When I told my friend Ted I was writing to you, he asked whether I had recently suffered a severe blow to the head. He said any idiot knows that Santa doesn't exist. This, from a man who ...
02
Dec
What To Do With The Feral Ingrates
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By
School holidays should be abolished.
Our creaking infrastructure and shattered nerves can no longer withstand the blitzkrieg of semi-educated savages at the end of every year.
There should be new ...
25
Nov
Kissing Cousins And Strip Mines
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By
I was going to write about politics this week but the moment I typed the word “Mangaung”, I projectile vomited. I tried again and again and each time I lost more and more of my lunch.
The sound I ma...
18
Nov
The Whine Route
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By
I stand in solidarity with the striking grape-pickers of the Western Cape because I, too, was once a picker of grapes. Not here, of course. Our wine farms would never hire white pickers, especially no...
14
Oct
Misanthropy Is The Life For Me
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By
Wednesday started well enough with a near-drowning experience at North Beach and a few mugs of electric tea with the legendary lawyer Psycho Syd Taverner, followed by an unexpected nap and a frighteni...