A bad year to be in musth

When I heard this was the Year of the Horse, I immediately went out and bought one. No, of course I didn’t. If I could afford a horse, would I be writing this kind of rubbish for a living? Perhaps. I don’t even know what a horse costs these days.

When I was a child, before cars were invented, I found a pony beneath the Christmas tree. As soon as I was old enough to go to school, my father lashed me to its back and sent me off with a sharp smack on its bottom. That might not be true. Knowing my father, he prepared the pony a three-course meal, smacked me on my bottom and made me walk to school.

What I did do is go out and put money on the horses. After losing several thousand rand and then winning R24 on the last race at Greyville, which encouraged me to go back the next weekend and lose even more, I put money on a race between myself and a police horse on the beachfront. I won that by a golden mile. To get the cop to pay, I had to give him a bribe which he then lent to me. I have to give it back to him, with interest, next weekend. Same place, same time. Maybe I’ll do a double or quits.

Anyway. Forget the Chinese. Year of the Horse, my ass. Our government should declare this the Year of the House.

There is a strange animal theme running through this year. The Brazilian wax job is becoming so popular that pubic lice are now an endangered species. Are pubic lice animals? Of course they are. I have seen pubic lice the size of hamsters. Maybe they were hamsters. It was dark and I wasn’t well.

Another fun animal story that broke in recent days is the elephant that got gunned down in the Kruger Park by people whose job it is to protect it.

Kruger Park spokesperson William Mabasa, who inexplicably seems to prefer people over animals, said the elephant had to be killed because it attacked a car. Has he seen the video? That was hardly an unprovoked attack.

British teacher, Sarah Brooks, and her idiot boyfriend, Jans de Klerk, are seen driving behind the animal. Eventually it turns around, goes up to the car, flaps its ears, walks into the bush, turns around, flaps its ears some more, and then, when the car still doesn’t move, ambles over and does what any of us would do if we were in musth and unable to shag the thing that kept harassing us.

Imagine the conversation.

Sarah: “Er, he’s flapping his ears. Isn’t that a bad sign?”

Jans: “No, babe. It means he likes us.”

Sarah: “Oh fab! Let’s go closer.”

The other delightful animal story of the week is the death of a polar bear at the Johannesburg Zoo. Nobody seems sure why she died. Perhaps they are afraid to say anything. Perhaps she knew Radovan Krejcir. It’s quite possible.

In an anonymous statement issued by faceless sources, the zoo said Geebee would not be replaced. Geebee. What a name for a polar bear. She probably committed suicide.

The statement added: “Johannesburg’s climatic conditions are not ideal for breeding purposes.” Really? That would explain the peculiar dearth of polar bears in Zoo Lake, then. Reports that the bear would be replaced by a Beluga whale could not be confirmed.

And finally, American hero Corey Knowlton is making space on his study wall. He’s off to Namibia to shoot a black rhino, cut off his head and ship it back home to Texas. Corey loves animals. You can tell by the picture of a dead brown bear on his Facebook page.

A devout man, Corey posted this on Christmas Day: “Tomorrow Morning. Someone’s Dream Hunt will come true. Thanks to all of you who Believe in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

God must have been listening, because a couple of weeks later Corey went to an auction held by the Dallas Safari Club and successfully bid for a permit to kill one of Namibia’s endangered black rhinos.

Corey, who suffers from Diminutive Male Genitalia Disorder, must really have wanted this rhino dead. Why else would he have paid almost four million rand for the permit? Maybe a rhino did something to him when he was a child.

According to The Hunting Consortium, their favourite contract killer “has hunted widely on six continents taking more than 120 species, including a super slam of wild sheep and the big five in Africa.”

Does this man’s bravery know no bounds? Getting savaged by a wild sheep is no laughing matter.

Meanwhile, the Namibian government says the money will be used to combat poaching. Ah, yes, of course. It all makes perfect sense. Kill the rhinos before the poachers can get their hands on them.



Kruger Park To Become Las Vegas of South Africa

The Kruger National Park will soon be adding hotel accommodation to its list of attractions. SANParks says the hotels will bring more people to the park and increase revenue to pay for biodiversity projects. However, critics say the hotels will destroy the natural character of a park that has been in existence for over a hundred years.

Boksburg resident Bokkie-Bok van der Bok said he had been coming to the Kruger Park since he was ‘knee-high to a demijohn of Paarl Perlé’.

‘Hotels in the Kruger Park? Are they out of their fukken minds? Look, I have nothing against change. It’s a good thing. But this is what happens when the communists take over.’

Brümhilde Sukscok, a visiting medical student from Schönau im Schwarzwald currently doing her internship with the eminently charming cardiologist, Dr Wouter Basson, said she would stop going to the Kruger Park if hotels were built.

‘How do you think I would feel sleeping on a broken bed in a hot, overpriced rat-infested rondhovel decorated like an East German prison cell while knowing there is a luxury hotel on my doorstep that I can’t afford? Either everybody suffers in the existing accommodation or nobody suffers and we all stay in the hotels. For free.’

Other critics felt it was the wildlife that would suffer most during construction of the hotels.

SANParks chief executive David Mabunda disagrees. ‘Suffering is very 1980s. Who doesn’t love a nice hotel? Maybe the giraffe. But who are we to say? Let’s not be giraffist.’

Pretoria property developer Varkie de Vetket said he supported SANParks ‘one thousand million per cent’.

‘This Mabunda oke sounds alright for a darkie but maybe what we need is a big fat Sol Kerzner thing happening here.’ De Vetket said he would like to see more of the Kruger Park being developed.

‘It’s open space. Wasted. You think the animals appreciate it? Please. Have you ever seen a happy buffalo? This place needs golf courses. Race tracks. It needs casinos. Who wants to go to a game reserve and not stand a chance of walking away with a million bucks? And I don’t mean springbucks either.’

A spokesman for the Sandton Triads said if hotels were going to be built, he saw no reason why processing factories shouldn’t also be built. ‘With factoly we take lhino and erefant horns one time chop chop.’

One regular visitor to the Kruger Park said he would like to see ‘at least five or six shopping malls’ scattered around the reserve.

‘Have you ever tried to buy stuff at a shop in Kruger? Jissus. It’s like shopping in Zimbabwe. The wood is wet. The beer is warm. The frozen meat has been in the fridge since the Ice Age. It’s a helluva thing.’

Mabunda said he had taken the opinions of the public into account and then discarded those that didn’t agree with him.

‘The entire process took – what was it – three minutes? Let’s be honest. People are like sheep. They say they don’t want something, so you give it to them anyway, and then they want to kill you when you try to take it away. Maybe I’m thinking of lions.’

Mabunda gave the assurance that the animals would not be affected by the new development.

‘If they cooperate and hang around the hotels in large numbers, a few lucky ones will be rewarded with a free night. Maybe not a suite, but certainly one of our ground floor rooms.’

He denied rumours that SANParks would start offering drive-by shooting packages for overseas hunters.

‘If anyone is going to kill animals in the Kruger Park, it’s going to be us. Conservation is a dangerous business. There is a huge problem with wildebeest gangs. I can’t confirm or deny anything, but don’t be surprised if there is another one of our “controlled” burns very soon.’

Mabunda said speed traps would continue to operate through the park.

‘Nobody will be exempt. Not even cheetahs. We will also be using tazers to encourage slow-moving animals to pick up the pace. With the new hotels, there will be a lot more people wanting to see some action. Obviously we can’t have game standing in one spot browsing for six hours. And this sleeping during the day will also have to come to an end. A lot of our animals seem to think they are in Mexico.’

Mabunda said SANParks had conducted an extensive visitor survey with a couple from Madrid, and found considerable support for the construction of amphitheatres in which kills could be staged. ‘People come to the Kruger Park for three reasons. To have sex, get motherless drunk and see an animal get killed. In an amphitheatre, we can give them everything. Cheap beer served by topless Ndebele girls, a herd of drugged gemsbok and three or four hungry lionesses. It will be like ancient Rome, without that whole awkward Christian thing.’

Plans to build flyovers to prevent congestion at waterholes are in the pipeline.