A bad year to be in musth

When I heard this was the Year of the Horse, I immediately went out and bought one. No, of course I didn’t. If I could afford a horse, would I be writing this kind of rubbish for a living? Perhaps. I don’t even know what a horse costs these days.

When I was a child, before cars were invented, I found a pony beneath the Christmas tree. As soon as I was old enough to go to school, my father lashed me to its back and sent me off with a sharp smack on its bottom. That might not be true. Knowing my father, he prepared the pony a three-course meal, smacked me on my bottom and made me walk to school.

What I did do is go out and put money on the horses. After losing several thousand rand and then winning R24 on the last race at Greyville, which encouraged me to go back the next weekend and lose even more, I put money on a race between myself and a police horse on the beachfront. I won that by a golden mile. To get the cop to pay, I had to give him a bribe which he then lent to me. I have to give it back to him, with interest, next weekend. Same place, same time. Maybe I’ll do a double or quits.

Anyway. Forget the Chinese. Year of the Horse, my ass. Our government should declare this the Year of the House.

There is a strange animal theme running through this year. The Brazilian wax job is becoming so popular that pubic lice are now an endangered species. Are pubic lice animals? Of course they are. I have seen pubic lice the size of hamsters. Maybe they were hamsters. It was dark and I wasn’t well.

Another fun animal story that broke in recent days is the elephant that got gunned down in the Kruger Park by people whose job it is to protect it.

Kruger Park spokesperson William Mabasa, who inexplicably seems to prefer people over animals, said the elephant had to be killed because it attacked a car. Has he seen the video? That was hardly an unprovoked attack.

British teacher, Sarah Brooks, and her idiot boyfriend, Jans de Klerk, are seen driving behind the animal. Eventually it turns around, goes up to the car, flaps its ears, walks into the bush, turns around, flaps its ears some more, and then, when the car still doesn’t move, ambles over and does what any of us would do if we were in musth and unable to shag the thing that kept harassing us.

Imagine the conversation.

Sarah: “Er, he’s flapping his ears. Isn’t that a bad sign?”

Jans: “No, babe. It means he likes us.”

Sarah: “Oh fab! Let’s go closer.”

The other delightful animal story of the week is the death of a polar bear at the Johannesburg Zoo. Nobody seems sure why she died. Perhaps they are afraid to say anything. Perhaps she knew Radovan Krejcir. It’s quite possible.

In an anonymous statement issued by faceless sources, the zoo said Geebee would not be replaced. Geebee. What a name for a polar bear. She probably committed suicide.

The statement added: “Johannesburg’s climatic conditions are not ideal for breeding purposes.” Really? That would explain the peculiar dearth of polar bears in Zoo Lake, then. Reports that the bear would be replaced by a Beluga whale could not be confirmed.

And finally, American hero Corey Knowlton is making space on his study wall. He’s off to Namibia to shoot a black rhino, cut off his head and ship it back home to Texas. Corey loves animals. You can tell by the picture of a dead brown bear on his Facebook page.

A devout man, Corey posted this on Christmas Day: “Tomorrow Morning. Someone’s Dream Hunt will come true. Thanks to all of you who Believe in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

God must have been listening, because a couple of weeks later Corey went to an auction held by the Dallas Safari Club and successfully bid for a permit to kill one of Namibia’s endangered black rhinos.

Corey, who suffers from Diminutive Male Genitalia Disorder, must really have wanted this rhino dead. Why else would he have paid almost four million rand for the permit? Maybe a rhino did something to him when he was a child.

According to The Hunting Consortium, their favourite contract killer “has hunted widely on six continents taking more than 120 species, including a super slam of wild sheep and the big five in Africa.”

Does this man’s bravery know no bounds? Getting savaged by a wild sheep is no laughing matter.

Meanwhile, the Namibian government says the money will be used to combat poaching. Ah, yes, of course. It all makes perfect sense. Kill the rhinos before the poachers can get their hands on them.

Brilliant.