The fast and the furious, the fucked and the feckless

Eighteen months ago, the Gauteng High Court found the Administrative Adjudication of Road Traffic Offences Act (Aarto) unconstitutional and invalid, saying it should be scrapped.

Today, the Constitutional Court kicked the High Court in the nuts and overturned its ruling, paving the way for this legislative atrocity to be rolled out across the country.

There is good news for some, though. Traffic police, for instance, will be able to demand far bigger bribes since the stakes are so much higher. I’m happy for them. There’s no reason bribes shouldn’t keep pace with inflation.

In KwaZulu-Natal, traffic officers have already been trained “so that they can adapt to the new law”. Fair enough, although I would’ve thought it more important to train us, the general motoring public, who seem utterly unable to adapt to laws of any kind.

From what I can make out, the law is designed to reduce carnage on the roads in the most brutal way possible. On top of being fined, you will have points added to your licence. This sounds like a good thing. But if you go around boasting that you have 97 points on your licence, you’re doing it wrong. The higher your score, the more your chances of losing. It’s like golf, except you’re playing against Tiger Woods off his face on amphetamines.

Will the demerit system reduce the number of accidents on our roads? Of course not. I’m willing to wager that most crashes are caused by people not paying attention. The proliferation of cellphones, social media and infidelity has taken away our ability to concentrate for more than three minutes at a time. Accidents happen when our minds are elsewhere.

So the demerit system is not going to make drivers any less attention deficit. All it will do is take a vicious financial toll on motorists who activate speed traps, don’t use seatbelts and park in loading zones, all of which I do regularly without anyone getting hurt.

Here’s how it works. Do something naughty and you will receive an infringement notice ordering you to pay a fine. Ignore it and a month later you’ll get a “courtesy letter” – for which you will be charged – reminding you to pay up. Ignore that and 32 days later you’ll get an enforcement order notifying you of the number of demerit points against you and again ordering you to pay the fine plus the cost of the enforcement order. Until you pay, you won’t be able to renew your car licence disc. Ignore the enforcement order and a warrant of execution will be issued and the sheriff will come to your house and take your stuff. This is a way of getting rid of the junk in your garage. He is also allowed to confiscate your licence, immobilise your car and report you to a credit bureau, after which you may wish to emigrate.

Let me tell you about the demerit system. You start off with zero points. Skip a stop sign, fail to renew your car licence or use your cellphone while driving and it’s a R500 fine plus one demerit point. Exceeding R100km/h in a 60km/h zone – which even old mad blind people do – will get you six demerit points and a fine. Drive with more than 0.05g of alcohol in your blood – which absolutely everyone does – will also see six points added to your licence. Plus a fine. You will then be stripped naked, given a light stoning by clerks from the finance department and, once the Alsatians have finished with you, banished from your village.

When you reach 12 points, the game is over and your driving licence is suspended for three months. One point is taken off if you behave yourself for three straight months. But get three suspensions and your licence is cancelled and destroyed. If you ever want to drive legally again, you will have to undergo a “rehabilitation” programme. That’s right. You’re going to rehab. And don’t expect any yummy methadone, either.

It doesn’t end there. Get out of rehab and it’s off to the tribunal. Do you know who else appears before tribunals? War criminals, that’s who. But you’re not a war criminal. War criminals aren’t expected to have their hearing repeatedly postponed because the photocopier is broken or their file is missing. War criminals aren’t expected to walk for three days to reach the tribunal because their licence has been suspended. In fact, you are going to be wishing you were a war criminal by the time this is over.

If the tribunal decides that you have learnt from your mistakes – contrition is best shown by wearing sackcloth and lashing yourself with a cat ‘o nine tails – you will be able to apply for a learner’s licence. If you pass, you may take a driver’s test. I’m not making this up. They really think this is going to work.

Pregnant women will be applying for their unborn babies to write the K53 test in the hope that they’ll get an appointment by the time they turn 18. If you do get 12 points and lose your licence, you will be in a retirement home by the time you reach the front of the backlog.

7 thoughts on “The fast and the furious, the fucked and the feckless

  1. Malinda Nel says:

    ‘If you do get 12 points and lose your license, you will be in a retirement home by the time you reach the front of the backlog’. Hahahahaha so true!

    Share this:

  2. Charlotte says:

    Why so pessimistic?
    The door has just been opened to to several ways to grow our economy. I’m skipping off to set up a whole bunch of forgery companies, starting with licence disks.

  3. Jimmy says:

    “Pregnant women will be applying for their unborn babies to write the K53 test in the hope that they’ll get an appointment by the time they turn 18.” Ben, sir, this is beautiful. Can I please use it?

    1. Ben Trovato says:

      Sure, I have no more use for it.

  4. Jacci Babich says:

    Rules, laws, rules and more laws all seemingly aimed at zapping the good guys. I think it’s time our Blue Brigade thugs are removed from looking after our crooked and self opinionated politicians and sent off to guard our highways from those dastardly truck hijackers instead. The BB thugs could then vent their spleen on burning the truck-jackers instead. Poachers as well. Although a firing squad at dawn would be quicker, less messy and cheaper.

  5. geoff says:

    Too depressing to comment on. My only hope is that you completely forgot April the first and are now giving us a late double dose to make amends…

  6. Richard Sanders says:

    Drives me crazy.

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