Cher Monsieur Président,

Comment allez vous, eksê. What a shame that the Dutch beat you to my country. French is so much easier on the tongue than Afrikaans. Oh well. C’est la vie. Or, as we say, jammer om van jou kak te hoor.

I was delighted to hear that you have begun rounding up the unspeakable Gypsies and sending them back to Gypsyland with their tails tucked between their rotten little legs. I assume they are being put on cattle trains after receiving a damn good whipping from the legionnaires. You have to be tough with these people, with their surly ways and cheap earrings. Show them the slightest bit of compassion and they will filch the petit culottes right off you.

I think it was that liberal old fool George W Bush who described the French as a nation of cheese-eating surrender monkeys on the basis of your government’s reluctance to jump into Iraq with the rest of the lemmings. He must have been high. Your armed invasion of the heavily fortified Gypsy camps has shown the sort of courage not witnessed in America since George Washington set fire to his father’s marijuana patch.

Everyone knows what a formidable adversary is the common Gypsy, especially on the rare occasion that he is sober. Even though they dress in rags and travel in caravans with no wheels, they are a ruthless and determined enemy who, given the opportunity to breed freely, would eventually seize control of France and turn it into a nation of lazy, pilfering drunks. Even more so than it is today.

I must also compliment you on banning the wearing of the burqa. There was a time I forced my wife, Brenda, to wear one so that I didn’t have to look at her angry face all day long, but then I discovered she was stockpiling weapons inside this voluminous garment and made her take it off.

Even though you are rather small, you are a leader with an outstanding nose and an equally magnificent wife. Have you considered jailing taller men with bigger noses than yours? How about executing women prettier than Carla? You are the President of France and should not be overshadowed by anyone, least of all your subjects.

I assume you have not yet been alerted to the fact that your cities are full of black people, otherwise you would surely have taken action by now. I was in Paris recently and it was like being in Lagos. What do you intend doing about this? Please do not send them to South Africa. We have more than enough as it is. Perhaps you could drive them across to Germany like the cowboys drove their cattle across to Kansas. No reason it couldn’t work for you. And the Germans love black people, especially when they come with a side plate of schnupfnudel and sauerkraut. I do apologise. It’s a private cannibal joke and I was simply attempting to lighten the mood.

I understand you are half-Jewish? Well done. Some of my best friends are half-Jews. Once you have rid your country of all the Gypsies, Muslims and black people, you may want to start on the Christians. I hear the Catholic prelates are giving you a hard time. That’s rich. Slobbering over altar boys is fine, but heaven forfend that you try a little rough stuff on a Gypsy. Round the bishops up and have them extradited to the Vatican at once.

I believe you’re also having a hard time getting new pension reforms passed. Here’s the solution – herd your whining oldies onto cargo ships and send them to us. We will put them to work in the gold mines and harvest their organs on behalf of our new best friends, the Chinese.

Keep fighting or one day your country will fly the flag of the Islamic Republic of Gypsia and that will be the end of my holidays on the Côte d’Azur. You will still allow tourists to come in, won’t you? Did I mention I was white?

Bon chance!

Ben Trovato

Grand Wizard: Fish Hoek Klan