The good thing about the Internet is also the bad thing. Everyone is pretty much free to spread as much love and hate as they wish. Occasionally I find myself a member of a Facebook group which I have been invited to join. I make a point of declining because I am not a joiner. Unless, of course, sloths or pandas show an interest in adopting me.

I don’t do groups, either. Well, with the exception of threesomes, obviously. And even then, certain rules would have to be in place. No sniggering, sighing or eye-rolling, for a start.

Anyway. Somehow I have become a member of a group called The Nation’s In A State, along with over three thousand other red-blooded patriots.

I wasn’t unduly alarmed. After all, the name is a fairly accurate representation of the good ship South Africa as she steams rudderless towards the reef upon which failed states dash themselves with careless disregard for charts, lighthouses and a chorus of warnings.

The first post I saw said, “We are looking for a nanny. Trustworthy, punctual, vibrant, a super cleaner, great with kids and dogs! Anyone?” Nanny? Please. Were I to find a woman with those qualities, I would ask her to be my wife, not my servant.

Then this, from a family poised to emigrate to Australia. “South Africa, we adore you & without you, THIS would not be possible. Our country has shaped us, grown us & prepped us. Gods’ promises are mind blowing & His presence has been SO tangible during this journey. See you soon Adelaide.”

For a start, people who truly adore South Africa don’t emigrate. And to say that without this country, emigration would be impossible is … I don’t even know what that is. It’s like something a graduate of the Dunning-Kruger School of Existentialism might say.

So this country shaped and prepared you for emigration? How very generous of South Africa. There can’t be many third world countries that would bend over backwards to help you become the very best you can be, and then, apparently with help from God, wish you well as you fly away to contribute to a first world country’s economy.

Then things kicked down a gear. Hans asked, “What was the good things under Apartheid?” Probably not your English results, buddy. Hans blew the biggest dog whistle ever made and South Africans nostalgic for the good old days were quick to start yapping.

Mark was first to bark. “Everything worked and if a government employee stole money it would be”Go Straight To Jail & Don’t Pass Begin”. Rapist & Murderers Were Hung By The Neck Until they DEAD!!!”

The emphasis was presumably necessary in case some of us thought he meant hung by the neck until they requested canapés and a glass of chardonnay.

Stephne also heard the whistle and pricked up her ears. “There was an amazing army. Border control. Excellent police force. Censorship and God was at the core of everything.” It’s unlikely Stephne was in the army because, well, boetie het border toe gegaan. I spent two years in 2 Signals Regiment and the experience was several light years away from amazing.

For Stephne, apartheid was also good for keeping refugees and migrants out of the country. Okay, fair enough. That’s no different to what decent Christian leaders like Donald Trump and Boris Johnson want. But she also misses censorship. Sounds like Stephane might have seen stuff on the Internet that made her perm curl tighter than her gardener’s pubes. I am curious about what she thinks happened to God after 1994. Did he move to New Zealand?

Walter said, “Hijackings was something you only saw in movies.” I don’t know, bro. I imagine you watched those kind of movies precisely because they had hijackings in them. Wouldn’t you want to see hijackings that aren’t only in movies? Real life is wild, bro. Get into it.

Andre: “Crime rate was low.” There were definitely fewer house robberies because most suburbs had white-by-night curfews and the police had shoot-on-sight orders. And since black people weren’t allowed in parks and cinemas or on beaches and buses, decent mugging opportunities were few and far between.

Pierre misses the death penalty while Greg says EVERYTHING! was better under apartheid. Indeed. With the exception of conscription, no alcohol sales on Sundays and the subjugation and dehumanisation of forty million people, everything was definitely better.

Lizette, panting and straining at the leash, misses a whole bunch of things. “Safety, friendliness, trust, the law was effective and law officials the police was respected. The defence force was one of the best in the world. There were no shoot outs in hospitals and government hospitals were clean had no need for private hospitals. Universities were safe and worldclass and you went there to study not to have sex and become drug and alcohol addicts.”

I never went to university. If what Lizette says is true, I’m applying this week. Actually, forget applying. I’m storming in with my bong and brandy and pants around my ankles. Gimme a goddamn education, I will shout with my willy a-flap in the breeze. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll go to the nearest hospital and shoot people.

Willem, coming late to the debate, reprimanded Hans for even daring to ask the question.

“If you are old enough you would not ask. There was very little in 1948 compared to 1994. Infrastructure ROADS, DAMS, SCHOOLS ,AIRPORTS from 10th the size to taking the biggest PLANES . A DEFENCE FORCE to just about the best in the world. Industries like an ESKOM [ Massive transmision grid up into neighbouring countries MINING , UITVOERE [COAL. DIAMONDS, GOLD, STEEL ect ] , YSKOR, SISHEN. AGRICULTURE FROM SMALL TO VERY BIG. Want to know more. Shall I go on and tell you what is left.l”

You know what’s left, Willem? Me. I have left. I just can’t do the group thing any more. Good luck with your visa application.