Trump vs Ramaphosa – The Agony and the Ecstasy
My advice for the South African delegation meeting with the unhinged tangerine cockwomble in Washington DC today? That each of them ingest some sort of narcotic exactly 14 minutes before the sit-down....
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your … ah, fuck it
Finland is the happiest nation in the world for the seventh year running.
Imagine living in a country where everyone is happy, year after year. It would be too terrible for words. I’ve been to Finlan...
To the class of 2023
Yes, yes, you’re all very clever. Clap, clap, clap. Well done, girls and boys. Look at you, all sparkly-eyed and smiling fit to burst, flashing your flawless teeth and carefree faces, reminding the re...
Politicians playing presidential Tinder
Party leaders have begun shyly trying on their sexiest outfits and practising their best pick-up lines as they prepare to woo us. If they hope to become the president of South Africa next year, they'r...
Of the Rugby World Cup and other homoerotic tales
South Africans are among the heaviest drinkers in the world in terms of both body weight and quantities consumed. We’re not quite top of the log yet, but the Rugby World Cup is pushing us closer to Zi...
South Africa: Forward to the Past
After yet another wretched night without power, I bought an ounce of criminally overpriced data and turned to the internet for help. Dignitas seemed the most effective solution, but my bank balance sa...
2023 – A good year for rabbits
Right, then. How are you all feeling? Can't wait to take the new year between your teeth and shake it like a terrier shakes a rat, I'll bet. Yeah, me too.
This is going to be the best year in the his...
Free drugs at the High Court Night Shelter
If superior beings on a distant planet had a listening device pointed at the Earth, all they'd pick up from South Africa is a dull whine. The sound of millions of people complaining, carping and criti...
Municipal mayhem
There are few six-syllable words in the English language that fill one with more despair and contempt than the word “municipality”. Not in every country, obviously. There are parts of the world where ...
A letter to the ‘General’
The high court in Middelburg on Monday convicted Harry Knoesen, the self-proclaimed leader of a group called the National Christian Resistance Movement, also known as the “Crusaders”, on five counts i...
An open letter to Nathi Mthethwa, Minister of Sports, Arts and Culture
Dear Comrade Nathi,
Congratulations on your brilliant idea to spend R22-million on a flagpole! Some people say it's too much money, but they don't understand the price of everything has gone up. A ye...
Falling away at midnight
When I heard President Ramaphosa had declared South Africa was no longer in a State of Disaster, I felt a roiling sense of unease. For 750 days we knew where we stood – mostly outside locked bottle st...