Women and children first
It was like Friday or something and I was just sommer trapping down the road to score a toasted sarmie minding my own beeswax when this darkie checked me skeef. Like, lank skeef. I chooned him hey wha...
Bloemfontein Über Alles
A no-flies zone has been declared around Bloemfontein this weekend. President Zuma believes flies were brought over by the missionaries and used as weapons of mass distraction. While the Africans were...
My kingdom for a Kwaai Lappies
South Africans who say they would rather spend their holidays here than anywhere else – because, like, it's such an awesome country – should have their jaws permanently wired shut so that never again ...
Hangovers 101
Men in white coats tell us that hangovers are caused by the excessive intake of alcohol. Funny, then, how it was men in white coats saying, “Can I bring you another?” that caused all the trouble in th...
Good morning, Vietnam!
Right, now that the pleasantries are over, could I ask you to please stop shnarfing our rhino horn in the deluded belief that it can cure hangovers. It does nothing of the sort, you idiots. If it did,...
2012 – Adopt the brace position
Every time I pick up a newspaper or turn on the television I am confronted by a special report on the highlights of the year gone by. Quite frankly, I have had enough of it. For a start, we know what ...
Beware of the K9
I have often wondered who are the real snitches of the dog underworld. The informants. The impimpis and the impuppies. The dogs that feign loyalty and then turn on you when you least expect it. I am n...
It was like the fall of Saigon
Choppers buzzed low over the beach. Rescue boats fitted with powerful engines circled beyond the breakers. The wail of ambulance sirens filled the air. A colourless, odourless mist hung heavy along a ...
O, to be in Bethlehem on this auspicious day
To wake to the sound of church bells and the distant crump of mortars landing in Beersheba. To see the early morning sky light up as Israeli helicopter gunships unleash their missiles. To smell the te...
Darwin and Santa were never that close
The decorations in the mall seem to lack something of the Christian ethos this year. When I was growing up, you could barely move for cheerful scenes of the crucifixion and mawkish tableaus of ceramic...
An open letter to Santa Claus
Dear Santa,
I remember, as a child, my mother saying: "Santa won't bring you any presents if you're naughty." I would ask how Santa could possibly know if I had been bad and she would answer: "Santa ...