Cristiano Ronaldo vs that Christian-ou Renaldo…

Dear Bro Renaldo,

The other morning, I was in the pub with a couple of mates from the Aryan Brotherhood of Texas who came over after the elections to make sure our kind would be okay. They started talking about football. I tuned out because I don’t watch local soccer for obvious reasons, but apparently Ronaldo had said something to jeopardise his career. Called for black people to be killed, or something. Sounded unlikely. I mean, he’s black himself, isn’t he? Don’t we consider the Portuguese to be not white? Or am I thinking of the Chinese? I miss the good old days. Things were so simple back then.

Anyway, I asked Bro Virgil and his boys how this might affect the game against Georgia and they looked at me like I was an idiot. Cheeky buggers. Just because America was doing apartheid three hundred years before us, they think they are superior. Which they aren’t. No white man can be more superior than another. That’s the beauty of it.

They made me buy everyone tequilas and then explained that they were talking about the famous Ronaldo Gouws and not the lesser-known footballer from a third-world country. I am ashamed to say I hadn’t heard of you. When I went to the toilet to throw up, I googled your name. Later, I deleted my browser history. No reflection on you, bro. I just can’t take any chances. I have to keep my nose clean. This is not a reference to cocaine, although if I had to do drugs, I would only do the white ones.

Hell, man. Condolences on losing the parliament gig. What a massive bummer. If somebody offered me R100k a month with a free cellphone and airtime and data and all, I swear I’d even kiss Mama Joy Chauke on the mouth. Maybe not right there in the street, but in private, like. Can’t you tell Helen and John that you meant to say kiss instead of kill in your YouTube videos? Julius Malema tried that once, didn’t he? Kiss the boer, kiss the farmer. I don’t know what would be worse. Kissing a farmer or a non-Caucasian. I might kiss a Polynesian. Have you seen those chicks from Tahiti?

Oops. This is what happens when you watch subversive filth on DStv. No wonder they’re going bust.

And now something called the Human Rights Commission is threatening to take legal action against you? You should sue them for threatening you. A threat is mos a threat, ou pel. Also, what are human rights? Human riots are what we need.

I would have thought your party, the so-called Democratic so-called Alliance, would have got your back. You okes were chinas, right? You joined the party back in 2012. You were their main man in Port Elizabeth. Now Helen and John are all, like, Renaldo who? And just because they want to be in the new gang running the country.

It’s almost like you can’t trust white people any more. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.

But they have known for a very long time that you aren’t a limp-wristed bunny-hugging libtard snowflake. They know you as a man not afraid to speak his mind. And what a mind it is! Full of interesting ideas that I won’t go into here. Not because I don’t like you. Some of my best friends are racist, sexist, homophobic misogynists.

Google tells me you attended Hoërskool Brandwag in Uitenhage. Was it named after the Ossewabrandwag? Kudos to you, bru. Nothing wrong with a bit of national socialism. I had a friend who worked in the Oswald Pirow building in Durban. Good man, that Oswald. Before his time. A fascist before fascism became fashionable.

Listen, we all make mistakes. Look at me. I got married twice. As the saying goes, once bitten, twice bitten. I’m not a psychologist like you are. I don’t think things through. I’m from the act in haste, repent at leisure school. Actually, I think you might have graduated sommer cum louder from the same school, bro. A word to the wise, though. Repenting is hard work. Focus on the leisure part. Does it for me every time.

Even though you have denied being a racist, there are still those who will not rest until they have destroyed your promising career as an Oberstleutnant in the Luftwaffe – I beg your pardon, as a member of the National Assembly.

You said that you now see how your message was “distorted in the way it was delivered by me”. I hate it when that happens. Sometimes I will have a couple of drinks and call for people to be punished, mocked or ostracised because of their race, gender or sexual preference, and the next morning discover that my message has been completely distorted by me and I have to reprimand myself.

I once banned myself from ever drinking again after putting up a YouTube video demanding that dwarf-tossing become a national sport. After sitting at home for an hour or two, I realised my message had been distorted in the way it was delivered by me so I lifted the ban and went to the pub.

Thing is, you’ve apologised for hurting people’s feelings. What more can you do? The Catholics are terrible sinners and on Tuesdays, or whenever confession opens, they go off and get absolved and then do the same crazy stuff all over again. We should be allowed to do that too.

Last thing. Your mate Ian Cameron is getting done for blackface. Are Helen and John going to do to him what they are doing to you? Bit unfair, considering Xhosa initiates do whiteface. He should make a deal. Go to the mountain and have his foreskin chopped off with a blunt panga in return for an apology and all those yummy parliamentary perks. I’d do it in a shot.

Anyway, bro. I’m sure you’ll be okay. At least you won’t have to move to Cape Town now. It’s full of gays and liberals and, if you stray off the N2, people from the Transkei.

Worst case, join Zuma’s party. You can never be too right.

Best case, John becomes deputy president. White people have short memories. You’ll be hired in no time at all.


  • You should be subscribing to my Patreon account at I’m not going to keep giving you cheap bastards free stuff.


4 thoughts on “Cristiano Ronaldo vs that Christian-ou Renaldo…

  1. I enjoy your satire very much.

  2. Keith says:

    I would gladly subscribe, if you had a rate for us okes from the country with the y-front flag, so proudly worn by that blond boytjie, Fap whenever the Bokke win a world cup. Asking me to pay the rates based on the currency of the sentient naartjie across the pond is a bit much. Hope you’ll consider my unwarranted suggestion

    1. Ben Trovato says:

      Okay. Here you go. The rate is R89.3. Is that better?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *