Congratulations on your magnificent victory against the infidel dogs. It’s not every army that can take over an entire country without firing a shot. If Hitler had used you guys, we’d all be speaking German today. Well, German with a heavy Pashto accent, anyway. Or maybe Pashto with a German accent.

This whole thing is pretty wild. It reminds me of the time I got kicked out of a pub and banned for life. That was 30 years ago and I still can’t go back. The Americans booted you out and here you are, only 20 years later, kicking their asses out of the country. Clearly an incident involving tequila, a pool cue and two Thai ladyboys is worse than whatever you guys did back then.

When you began your push to Kabul, you must have been delighted to discover that the Afghan army consisted of piles of discarded uniforms, M24 sniper rifles and other assorted military hardware paid for by the American taxpayer. You would have come across entire towns and villages full of men knowing nothing of guns or fighting. It’s like what happened in South Africa after 1994 – you couldn’t find a single white person who supported apartheid. It must have been the same for you. Many goat-herders out there with secret skills they will take to their grave, which will be on Friday if they don’t keep their mouths shut.

Have you sent Donald Trump a thank-you note yet? It would be the polite thing to do. After all, if he hadn’t signed a deal with you on February 29, 2020, completely excluding the Afghan government, you’d still be living in caves. In fact, a note isn’t enough. You should declare Trump an honorary Taliban and give him the freedom of Kandahar.

Why are the Afghan people so afraid of you? You seem like decent enough chaps. Okay, fine, you all carry automatic weapons and huge knives, but who doesn’t? You’d be an idiot to step outside your house without being heavily armed these days.

I love how some Taliban fighters wear eyeliner. I mean no disrespect when I say there is nothing hotter than a heavily armed metrosexual fundamentalist in touch with his feminine side. This makes me wonder what you guys have against women. You don’t even get shouted at for drinking too much. Sure, they can go on a bit and they’ll shag your mate the moment your back’s turned, but still. That’s no reason to make them cover themselves from head to toe in blue body bags. Can’t you just avoid looking at them if you find them so offensive? Then again, it’s quite liberal of you to even allow them to walk around in public. After all, you must be aware that beneath those burqas are real, live women in all their weird womeny womenness. The fact that you don’t keep them permanently locked away shows that you do regard them as people. Sort of.

You’ve said the new, improved Taliban will give women more rights this time around. Don’t go too far. Next thing you know, they’re going to want to ride bicycles, laugh out loud in public and decide who they will marry. That’s how civilisations are ended.

I think it was frightfully good of you to allow so many Americans and unpatriotic Afghans to escape. You could easily have put them all to the sword, which must have been very tempting, and yet you are permitting them to flee. Well, those who can get to the airport. I dare say there are many others throughout your wonderful country who would like nothing more than to be on one of those C-17s. Maybe you should let them go. Everyone who doesn’t want to live under Taliban rule is free to move to America. At a conservative estimate – and I’m sure you will agree that when it comes to estimates, the more conservative the better – I’d say roughly 30 million people would want to move to Florida. This would be fantastic for you. It’s a lot easier to put the frighteners on eight million rather than 38 million.

Or do a swap. Replace the 30 million with Trump supporters. I’m sure they’d rather live in Afghanistan than under the illegal, socialist regime of comrade Joe Biden. Give them access to Fox News, feed them ivermectin and they’ll be quite happy.

I do feel a bit sorry for the Afghans being airlifted to Doha. Sure, they might not have militants wanting to murder them for not wearing the right clothes or for listening to music, but as far as everyday life goes, Qatar is basically Taliban lite, right? No pork, alcohol, drugs, porn. Everything that makes America great. Talk about out of the fire and into the frying pan.

I could be wrong, but I imagine you guys are anti-vaxxers. The last thing you need is CIA tracking devices in your bodies. Besides, you look like a pretty healthy bunch. I mean, it’s not as if misogyny and barbarism are comorbidities.

Is it true that Afghanistan has the biggest lithium deposits in the world? This is very convenient. Lithium is often used to treat depression. I imagine there’s going to be an enormous demand in the very near future.

Anyway. Hope it all works out. Mind the mujahideen.