Down A Rhino – Feel Satisfied

The one thing the world is not short of is good causes. This is not to be confused with good Xhosas, among whom we can count Nelson Mandela.

If you had the choice of giving money to the Nelson Mandela Foundation or the International Rhino Foundation, which would you choose? Remember that it’s not an investment. It’s a donation. If you would rather save the money for a trip to Thailand, that’s also okay. You will burn in hell, for sure, but it’s probably worth it for two weeks in Bangkok.

Capitalism looks its best when it is wrapped coyly in a cloak of philanthropy. People who can afford gluten-free artisan bread and Jose Cuervo Reserva de la Familia are being guilted into supporting products that link themselves to good causes. And it works. I would be far more inclined to buy a Ferrari if the dealer told me that R10 was going towards saving the Western leopard toad.

I am pleased to see that alcohol producers are also getting in on the act. Falling into the braai and vomiting over someone’s child is a lot more acceptable if everyone knows you’re doing it for the moles of Mtunzini. Obviously I’m not talking about the privileged moles who live on the banks of the lagoon. They can take care of themselves. I’m talking about the working class moles who drink too much and can’t form a union powerful enough to stop the Exxaro/Tronox megalodon from ripping up their burrows in its voracious quest for titanium.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Two Western Cape women, desperately worried about the plight of our horny ungulates, started a company called Rhino Wines SA. While groups like Alcoholics Anonymous are more concerned about the plight of the winos, these two animal-lovers are giving R2 from every bottle to some or other bunny-hugging outfit. Their first donation was for the princely sum of R5 000. That should scare off the poachers.

“The philosophy behind the Rhino Wine SA brand is for consumers to gain awareness of the crisis facing rhinos … while at the same time enjoying a glass of vino with a cause – responsibly of course!” shrieked one of the women. Rhinos don’t care if we drink responsibly. If it meant not getting shot in the face, I’m sure they would unanimously vote for every one of us to remain permanently rat-arsed. We should listen to them.

Rhino Wines are available in the Kruger National Park. This means you get to park off at a waterhole with a case or two. Whenever a rhino heaves into view, you can raise your glass and shout, “How about a couple of tricks, ya lazy bastard? I’m doing this for you.”

Charity and alcohol go hand-in-hand. Right here in KZN, our very own King Goodwill Zwelithini continues to produce Bayede! Wines. Heralded as a job creation initiative, Bayede! has become the first local wine company to break into the Chinese market. It is a fallacy that China needs democracy. What that country needs more than anything right now is a steady supply of South African wine. And the wine isn’t, as you may think, being shipped directly to the Presidential Palace. It is being supplied to China’s 370 Wal-Mart stores.

Go peasants. Rather they spend their money on booze than ivory. On the other hand, if the wine makes their little Oriental willies dysfunctional, they’ll be reaching for the rhino horn in no time at all.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *