Full of beer and schadenfreude, I reeled away from the telly. Live coverage of sociopathic megalomaniacs hurling missiles at each other is entertaining enough at first, but it pales quickly.

Watching two godawful countries hundreds of kilometres apart go at one another is a bit like watching Doncaster Rovers play Grimsby Town. You don’t care who wins. It’s the same with Israel versus Iran. Both could use a good slapping for different reasons, and it’s hard to get too invested in the outcome. Israel has a solid defence and some strong players, like America and the UK, are on the bench. If they come on after half-time, Iran will be facing relegation.

The captains of both sides are appalling people who you wouldn’t want over for a braai on a Saturday afternoon. Iran’s Ali Khamenei looks like he might know a joke or two but it’s unlikely he drinks anything stronger than carrot juice and would soon enough order his bodyguards to flog your infidel mates and their slutty girlfriends.

Israel’s Benjamin Netanyahu, on the other hand, enjoys his alcohol. It’s thirsty work, starting one war after another. His porcine wife, Sara, was reportedly drinking three bottles of champagne a day when she met him. I expect she’s up to seven by now. If you do have them around, I’d suggest hiding the braai forks and using plastic cutlery. They seem like the kind of people who might get a bit stabby as the evening wears on. And if they ask for shooters, check if it’s tequila or snipers they want.

I’ve never had Tehran or Tel Aviv on my list of cities to visit before I die. Apparently, they’re lovely at this time of year. Okay, maybe not at this exact time of year. But after the bombing season, when the bodies have been dragged from beneath the rubble and the almond trees are in bloom, anyone would enjoy being out in the sun in one of the parks, feeding the amputees and collecting shrapnel for souvenirs.

Ayatollah Don’t-Khamenei-Closer is older than Donald Trump but smarter and considerably less dangerous. A report by the fiercely impartial, rabidly pro-Israel BBC said Trump had told Netanyahu that assassinating Khamenei was “not a good idea”. Trump, as we know, is the genius behind brilliant ideas like hiring Elon Musk and associating with child-friendly billionaires like Jeffrey Epstein. I don’t know why he advised his old friend to exercise restraint, a condition he is entirely unfamiliar with, but I imagine it was linked to a combination of senility and drugs.

The only thing I have against Iran is that its women are not free. I have heard horror stories from war correspondents that even a homely housewife with five children could cost as much as four camels an hour.

Israel’s unprovoked attack couldn’t have come at a worse time for this poor nation that doesn’t even have a nuclear weapon it can call its own. Netanyahu must have known that Tehran’s security forces had their hands full ensuring compliance with the recently promulgated Law on Protecting the Family through the Promotion of the Culture of Chastity and Hijab.

Among others, the law criminalises “bad dressing”. This is defined as exposing any body parts below the neck, other than the hands and feet, or wearing clothing that “contributes to or incites the commission of sin by others”. As one of the “others”, I appreciate the Islamic Republic of Iran’s selfless efforts to stop me from being incited to sin.

It is an act of cowardice by Israel to assault any country that is waging a war against women who think they can wear whatever they like. Allow them out without a headscarf or with bare elbows and next thing you know, they’re wearing trousers, holding hands in public and travelling without their husband’s permission.

Dissent among the childbearing ranks must be crushed at all costs, even if it means taking a few hundred ballistic missiles on the head for reasons which have nothing to do with the protection of human rights.

Tel Aviv, on the other hand, is a licentious hotbed of underdressed babes with braids who can strip and reassemble an Uzi submachine gun in under a minute. Sounds promising, but you might also get a Shahed drone up your butt before you can even get your yamulke off. Also, the traffic is dreadful, especially during the evening rush hour when everyone is heading for the bunkers.

Durban might have its problems, but the only terrible things overhead are incoming hadedas. I’ll stay here for a while, thanks.