Dear John,

Oh dear. That’s unfortunate phrasing. Perhaps Mr Steenhuisen would be less triggering. Did you ever get a Dear John letter from a duplicitous girlfriend while you were in the army? Were you even in the army? Of course you were. I’d recognise a fellow military man from a mile off. Let me guess. Dog handler? You strike me as a man who’d prefer to have a faithful hound at his side. And I’m not just saying that because you hire people like Roman Cabanac, although he does remind me of a Cocky Spaniel, with those vacant eyes, furry face and floppy ears.

There was a photo of him in a Sunday newspaper brandishing some kind of weapon you’d expect Rambo to carry. Was that one of the requirements for chief of staff in the department of agriculture? I expect so. A man who is comfortable around guns will be comfortable around crops of all shapes and sizes. I don’t know much about agriculture, but I do know that you turn your back on broccoli at your peril. I had a friend who lost a leg to a strawberry plant once. Creepers, man. Can’t trust them.

You clearly trust Roman Cabanac, though. Is that his real name? Doesn’t sound very South African. Has the ring of a jerry-built Italian car. I heard he drives a Roman Cabanac these days. Shame. Their cornering is terrible. Consumption is quite good, though. Mostly cheap red wine, but still.

You’re a brilliant strategist, comrade John, and while nobody can quite work out why you’d hire a man staggering under the weight of his alt-right baggage to be your lieutenant, you clearly know what you’re doing. Unless, of course, you don’t. In which case, you will fit in perfectly with most of your cabinet colleagues. Your staff are lucky to have him as their boss. He strikes me as a man who won’t tolerate insurgency in the ranks. There must be no room for dissidents in the department of agriculture. Punishment for those who come late to work or leave early will be swift. Up against the wall and a single shot fired at close range. Just a flesh wound, obviously. You want your man to send a message to the minions, not have him end up on murder charges.

Agriculture is no laughing matter. Unless you grow cucumbers, an experimental vegetable which serves many interesting purposes to often hilarious effect. As the man in charge of feeding the nation, you have made an impressive start by feeding us a pack of lies about Roman Cabanac being the best man for the job. Luckily, we are so hungry for change that we will swallow anything.

As an accomplished racist, sexist, homophobic misogynist, I am thinking of applying for a similar position in one of the other departments. It doesn’t matter which one. I am far more interested in the R1.4 million salary than I am in helping to lift South Africa out of its economic quagmire, which, to be honest, sounds like very heavy work quite unsuited to my bad back and even worse attitude.

I will also be signing up for shooting lessons and shall learn to drive an armoured car. What kind of vehicle are you allocating to Roman? I expect he’d settle for nothing less than a Ratel. I can see him now, standing tall and proud in the gun turret, quoting from the works of Benito Mussolini as his driver takes him through the farms, sowing fear and loathing as he goes.

Previous ministers of agriculture have been nothing more than limp-wristed liberals, doling out food to all and sundry. No wonder there are shortages. Under the new regime, food will be a privilege to be earned. Not everyone deserves food. Or even needs it. There are other ways to stay alive. Beer is full of nutrients and can sustain a growing child for years. Are you in charge of fish? I hope so. Then you can borrow Roman’s Ratel and drive through the townships, shouting, “Let them eat hake!”

Have you considered hiring Steve Hofmeyr? I’ve heard that cows thrive if you sing to them but he’d have to be careful not to curdle their milk. The Pretoria boykie already has a song devoted to pumpkins and I’m sure he can come up with a few tunes for the mielies. I imagine farmyard animals like pigs and chickens would prefer songs like Why Me Lord. He could also sing Die Stem to the boers to encourage them not to emigrate.

Can you find a place for Kallie Kriel and Ernst Roets? These red-blooded patriots are true men of the soil and would be a valuable asset to your department. Their white genocide scare tactics work well among certain sectors of the American population and might even boost trade. Oats and biltong in return for, I don’t know, MAGA hats and Confederate flags, perhaps?

Anyway, John. Best of luck with the cadre deployment. It worked for the ANC and there’s no reason it can’t work for you.