Here is #2 in my helpful series on what the ideal job application should look like.

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To Gold Fields for the position of Senior Metallurgist

Dear Sir or Madam,

Ever since I was a boy I have wanted to work on a gold mine. There is something about the idea of being 30kms underground with a group of rough men stripped to the waist and gleaming with sweat that makes me come over all dizzy and weak. Not too weak to wield a power tool, mind you.

It is probably best to tell you right now that I am not 100% sure what it is exactly that a Senior Mentalurgerist does. If I were to hazard a guess, I would say that this is the person who encourages the miners to keep working when their spirits are low. Like, for instance, just after a rock fall, when they might need cheering up the most. Or when their hopes have once again been crushed during wage talks.

One of my morale-boosting techniques would be to apply a smattering of gold dust to my face and put on a bit of a show for the lads. There is nothing like a song and dance to take one’s mind off the prospect of a lingering, painful death, whether through suffocation or poverty.

The mental state of your workers is important and you will not regret hiring me. I would also like to assure you that I will not be stealing any of your gold. I have been told that it is silver and not gold that brings out my eyes and I have no use for this drab rock. Or metal. Or whatever the hell it is.

Please do not go to any extra trouble as far as clothing or equipment goes. I have my own orange jumpsuit from when I worked for six months in a state facility just outside Mafikeng. I also have a drill and a plastic helmet thingy from my days as the lead singer in a Village People tribute band.

Trust me. I have what it takes to entertain the boys down below. If you get my drift.

Yours sincerely,

Ben ‘Dover’ Trovato