I was elated to hear that dozens of men had been arrested as part of the celebrations for the government’s 16 Days of Activism to End Violence Against Women and Children.

Personally, I don’t think the authorities have gone far enough. Every male over the age of nine should be rounded up and held incommunicado for the duration of the campaign. Hell, why stop there? An Egyptian dude with the pretentious name of Pharaoh once ordered all boys to be drowned at birth. I expect this is already high on the agenda of the Minister for Women. Pull it off and you’ve got my vote, lady.

One half of the bipartite alliance of jackbooted viragos ruling the Western Cape said she was thrilled with the way the campaign was progressing. Patricia de Lille was speaking after at least two dozen men were snatched off the streets and tossed into jail for not paying maintenance.

I think women and children should take responsibility for their own maintenance. Like cats. Women are almost there, what with the nails and the hissing and the endless grooming, but unfortunately they hate being on their own for too long.

Cape Town’s traffic cops are doubling up as bounty hunters and what the Americans call “deadbeat dads” are quivering with fear and phoning in to see if they are on the wanted list. A provincial spokesman said there had even been calls from fathers who actually wanted to see their children. What on earth is going on in the Western Cape? Is Helen Zille slipping oestrogen into the water supply? Are there no real men left out there? Next thing you know, the bars will be full of divorced men weeping into their beer and telling each other that their ex-wives are such wonderful people.

Men need to learn that violence against women is wrong. They also need to learn that being a man is wrong. Man, wrong. Man, wrong. This is the message that must be literally pounded into their heads. The best way to do this is with a baseball bat. It’s the only language they understand.

Arresting them is not going to help. Married men already languish in a psychological prison and most would welcome a few nights of peace and quiet in a cosy, insulated cell with other people who aren’t in the mood for chatting or cuddling.

I therefore propose we celebrate 16 Days of Activism for More Violence Against Men. The beauty of the campaign is in its simplicity. Virtually everything men do or don’t do can be rewarded with violence.

If you are a woman and you know a man, do not hesitate to drag him from his home or office. Beat him soundly and toss him to the lesbians. He will most likely deny having done anything. This is not a reason to go easy on him.

Pre-emptive punishment helps men understand that they need to do something about The Situation. It is your job, as a woman, to let him know what is expected of him through a combination of body language and telepathy.

The creative use of discipline is recommended since men have shown a disturbing tendency to begin enjoying physical abuse if the pattern of violence is not regularly diversified. You should, for example, avoid concentrating on spanking.

Here are a few suggestions for those of you who wish to train your men or, if you are a misandrist who prefers flying solo, simply to vent. Which, after all, is one of your many rights as a woman.

• Forgetting a birthday or anniversary – Six lashes to the buttocks (canes to be provided by the state).
• Unwilling to go out and look for a job – Miley Cyrus played at full volume through speakers in every room.
• Leaving wet towels on the bathroom floor – Two waterboarding sessions.
• Leaving dirty clothes on the bedroom floor – Non-erotic asphyxiation.
• Leaving dirty dishes on the lounge table – Three tablespoons of wasabi.
• Unable to cook a meal – Indefinite withholding of food.
• Unable to work a washing machine – Indefinite withholding of clothes.
• Demanding frequent sex (more than once a month) – Electric shocks to the genitals.
• Drinking excessively (more than six beers a week) – Dog box for 10 days.
• Flirting with other women (real or imagined) –  15ml of hydrochloric acid in each eye.
• Refusing to walk the dogs – Extraction of toenails.
• Refusing to walk at all – Pop riveting of kneecaps.
• Refusing to watch romantic comedies – Gagged and bound and forced to watch Gigli on repeat.
• Unable to open up emotionally – Tongue injected with embalming fluid.
• Pretending to listen – Hair set on fire.

5 December 2010