I hope you all celebrated Heritage Day in true South African style and have since been released on bail or discharged from hospital.

Whether your ancestors were put to death by King Shaka, killed by General Koos de la Rey or murdered by Field Marshal Herbert Kitchener, we are a nation united in knowing that we have nothing in common. We differ on almost everything, and this is our greatest strength. It is also our greatest weakness. Resolutely divided by race, gender and politics, we go blundering happily into a future we can’t envision or even agree on.

Fortunately, we have an administration that moves quickly when it comes to creating commissions, councils, authorities and agencies to help share the burden of misgoverning this fine country.

One of them is the South African Heritage Resources Agency, responsible for the protection of South Africa’s cultural crown jewels. In a 2021 review, a satisfied employee described it as a “nice working environment in the heart of Cape Town. Lots of free time allowed for catching up on series that I have missed out on”.

Sahra’s website says SA has “a rich cultural heritage which is largely unprotected, unknown and undiscovered”. So, tons of work still to do. It’s not the agency’s fault that shows like The Simpsons and Stranger Things go on forever. How can you expect any of its 100-odd staff to go out looking for heritage stuff when BoJack Horseman alone has 77 episodes?

“Many communities residing in those areas that have declared National Heritage Sites are unaware of the intrinsic value of those sites or how to manage and protect them.” I don’t know, man. Maybe we should rethink the kind of things that are being listed. Either that, or relocate the lowbred barbarians who think a crate of zamalek has more cultural value than a hominid fossil.

Here are some of the more well-known heritage sites that were discovered before Netflix took hold.

The Castle of Good Hope. Easily identified by the number of homeless people encamped around its perimeter. It is the oldest functioning Dutch colonial building in SA. With a mentality rooted in the same era in which the fortress was built, Steve Hofmeyr is the country’s oldest malfunctioning Dutch colonial relic and a hysterical monument in his own right.

The Cradle of Humankind. An area northwest of Johannesburg with a concentration of bones second only to Zoo Lake on National Braai Day. Mrs Ples was found here in 1947, two million years after Mr Ples reported her missing. Shortly after humans were invented in Africa, they began migrating to Europe in the hope of turning white and finding better-paying jobs. The fossil-bearing cave, Swartkrans, has one of the earliest examples of the controlled use of fire.

Houses of Parliament. The fossil-dwelling site of a more recent example of the controlled use of fire. Changes have been made to the building over the years, but the stately Victorian Neo-Arson façade has been retained. Honourable members have for the past 1,364 days been forced to take their naps in the Good Hope Chamber. The budget for renovations was estimated at R2bn, most of which has been spent on two brooms and a mop.

Robben Island. Hundreds of white people have made the seven-hour swim from the former prison to Blouberg. If uMkhonto weSizwe had included swimming lessons along with military training, democracy might have come a lot sooner. Robben Island has become a global symbol of freedom from oppression and testimony that the ANC should never be in charge of anything that requires maintenance, ferries or schedules.

Voortrekker Monument. Like many Afrikaners, this unsightly structure is made entirely of granite. On 16 December 1938, the first cornerstone was laid. It also marked the last time in 1835 that Louis Trichardt was laid after dragging Mev. Trichardt out of Cape Town in an ox wagon. Forced to relocate due to rising rentals on the Atlantic Seaboard, the Boers spent 10 years with creaking wagons cutting trails into the earth, listening to echoing crag resound, drinking mampoer and fighting with pretty much everyone they came across.

Game Pass Shelter. These San paintings in the Kamberg Nature Reserve near Giants Castle “represent a key turning point in rock art research in South Africa”. Actually, the key turning point comes after clawing your way up a mountain in torrential rain and reaching a locked gate that says the caves are closed after being damaged in a fire that broke out many months ago.

The Bo-Kaap. The largest concentration of pre-1850 architecture in the country, the oldest surviving residential neighbourhood in Cape Town and every property developer’s wet dream. These days, the muezzins’ call to prayer is drowned out by the sound of ponytailed tech bros trying to intimidate little old Muslim grannies into selling their gaily coloured cottages.