Dear Comrade Cyril,

Congratulations/condolences on recent developments in the Phala Phala clusterfuck. Things are moving fast and there’s no way of telling whether you’ll be president, jobless or on the run by the time this appears.

Your first mistake was to admit just a tiny bit of the truth. Actually, your first mistake was to go into politics. When it comes to truth, though, it’s best to either tell the whole truth or nothing but lies. A smidgen of truth never did anyone any good. For the sharks, that’s blood in the water.

When that rat weasel Arthur Fraser came at you with outrageous allegations, you should have denied everything right away. In admitting there’d even been a robbery, you allowed the wolves to sink their slavering jaws into the delicate fabric of your flimsy fable and rip it wide open. I shudder to think about the stuff that’s going to come oozing out of your self-inflicted wound.

The report by the section 89 panel has more holes in it than my underpants. Two of the members are retired judges. Have you met retired people? They don’t give a damn about anything. They are into daytime drinking and recreational drugs and their LinkedIn profiles are now on Tinder.

The chairman, former chief justice Sandile Ngcobo, was recently robbed of his Rolex. People who wear R150,000 watches and drive R1-million Mercedes Benz’s can’t be trusted.

The other retired judge, Thokozile Masipa, gave Oscar Pistorius such a light sentence that if the NPA hadn’t appealed, our legless wonder would’ve spent the last few years playfully shooting waitresses at Tasha’s for taking too long with his strawberry daiquiri.

The third member of the panel was advocate Mahlape Sello, who last year acted for Ace Magashule in a case against none other than yourself. No chance of bias there, then.

This “independent” panel was appointed by the Speaker of the National Assembly, Nosiviwe Mapisa-Nqakula. I always thought she was one of yours. After all, you gave her this job instead of firing her duplicitous ass last year. Then again, you also rewarded that polecat Fraser with a top job back in 2018. You are many things, Mr President, but a good judge of character is not one of them.

The panel’s report is littered with phrases like “We are not aware …” and “We do not know …” and it came as no surprise to hear you’re taking it to the Constitutional Court on review. You’d be an idiot not to. Then again, you’d be an idiot to keep sacks of foreign currency in your couch.

Speaking of idiots, the report says, “We are raising these questions because it is not uncommon for such a huge sum of money in cash to be stuffed inside a sofa and to remain there for more than 40 days without being banked.” Typo or Freudian cash slip?

It was probably a mistake to get “Mr Ndlovu” to design the “invoice” certifying that “Mr Hazim” turned up at your farm on Christmas Day in 2019 and handed over $580,0000 in cash for 20 of your handsome buffaloonies. If you thought this would be enough to get the smoking gun to stop smoking, you’re in more trouble than we think.

The panel, which didn’t buy a single word of your story, said, “There are two individuals who can remove this doubt, Mr Ndlovu and Mr Hazim.” For a small fee, I am prepared to be the mysterious Mr Hazim, who you say is from Sudan.

I shall be a Rastafarian from downtown Khartoum. I have my own dreadlock wig. The regime is trying to murder my people so I came to South Africa and bought 20 of your fine gruffalo to start a new life. I will tell your persecutors the reason I did not take the wild beasts with me is that they were not yet ripe.

For an additional fee, I can also be your “Mr Ndlovu”, who produced the most basic invoice the business world has ever seen. You can tell the Constitutional Court that I am a special needs accountant who you hired out of pity. I will wear a gimp mask and speak a mixture of Esperanto and Aramaic. By the time they find a translator, we’ll all be dead from climate change.

The panel also said the farm’s general manager, Mr von Wielligh, did not provide a statement. Can’t help you there, I’m afraid. I draw the line at impersonating Germans.

The report said, “In these circumstances, the evidence of the President must be approached with caution.” This is good. It makes it sound like you’re dangerous, which you are, but mostly to yourself. They needn’t know this. When you go to court, wear a buffalo head, horns and all. It’s the only way to get their respect.

Anyway. I am at your service. Unless you’re about to become unemployed. In which case you’re on your own.