Dear Oberstgruppenfuhrer Dlamini,

Du bist ein ganz besonderer Mensch. Perhaps, for now, we should converse in the language of those swine who would stab the Fatherland in the back quicker than you can say Freundschaftsbezeigungen.

I can’t understand why everyone is getting so upset just because you wrote, “I love Hitler” in a Facebook post. You know what upsets me? People who post pictures of their cats dressed up to look like Stormtroopers. If it weren’t for the brave men of the Sturmabteilung, we’d all be speaking English today.

When you said you love Hitler, I assume you meant in a sexual way as well as for his remarkable ability to kill millions of people without even leaving his desk. I’m not a big fan of moustaches myself, but I certainly wouldn’t condemn you for having a bit of a fetish for the little black ‘tash. Each to his own, I say. Or, as the imperialist James Bond once said, live and let die. Perhaps it was his uniform that turns you on? Fair enough. Everyone likes a man in uniform. Especially if they come festooned in silver eagles and swastikas.

Did you know the Hindus and Buddhists were flashing the swastika long before the Nazis? Except they abused it by claiming it to be a symbol of peace and goodwill. How dare they. The first to go, then, should be the Hindus and Buddhists. Unless, of course, you insist that the whites must be dealt with before any other racial, tribal or religious group that offends you. It’s your call, your genocide. I’m not going to interfere.

I’m not sure I agree with you when you say, “There is an element of Adolf Hitler in all white people.” There is far more than just an element. Most white people I know are worse than Hitler. They park badly and think nothing of drinking a bottle of Paarl Perle with their steak. Savages, I tell you.

I have so much Hitler in me that some mornings I wake up and actually believe that I’m the reincarnation of your hero. I often have to be forcibly restrained from invading the neighbour’s property. Sure, it’s not Poland, but we all have to start somewhere. My biggest failing is that I rather like the Jewish people. However, I am more than prepared to hate another ethnic or cultural group. What about the Jehovah’s Witnesses? No, that’s no good. Everyone hates them.

People like you and me crave attention. Am I right, Mcebo? Our hatred needs to stand head and shoulders above everybody else’s anodyne hate. If we can stand on the actual heads of those we despise, so much the better.

My problem is that I’m a bit lazy. Genocide is hard work. Unless, of course, you’re like Hitler and can get other people to do it for you. I’m happy to sit on my stoep and shout at people passing by, but don’t ask me to get up and kill them. It’s too damn hot. Maybe in winter.

Anyway, mein kleines Arschloch, best of luck with your academic career at Wits University. This country needs more intellectuals like you.