03
May
An open letter to Sports Minister Fikile Mbalula
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By
Ben Trovato
Dear Comrade Fiks,
Well done on cracking down on sports that don't have enough darkies in their teams. This is Africa, not Scandinavia. Did you know that in some parts of Norway you aren't even allow...
15
Nov
An open letter to our fearless leader
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By
Dear Comrade Dr Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma the First, President of the Republic of South Africa, Head of the Household, Defender of the Faith, Pastor of the Flock, Defeater of the Mbeki, Unifier of the...
25
Oct
Crafting a new revolution
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By
There is so much to write about this week. The crisis at the country's universities. Oscar Pistorius' release into controlled captivity. Britain's unseemly fawning over the president of one of the wor...
19
Oct
Maid in South Africa
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By
The exchange of labour for money is the greatest confidence trick since some dude called Abraham duped his slave into paying for his own circumcision. I don't know the finer details but apparently it'...
06
Oct
White male gets blackmailed
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By
Someone is trying to blackmail me and, quite frankly, I'm delighted. I consider it an honour and it shall become the latest addition to my heavily embellished curriculum vitae.
The blackmailers call ...
04
Oct
Dear Saudi Arabia
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By
Congratulations on your decision to kill the Shiite boy who goes by the name Ali Mohammed al-Nimr. Teenagers are dreadful at the best of times, what with their sighing and eye-rolling and endless dema...
26
Sep
Rum & Rugby
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By
“BOKKE!”
Excuse me? Are you shouting at me? You, who called the cops because my music was too loud? You, whose bastard dog wakes me every morning? You, who has co-opted a clenched fist salute...
16
Sep
God is a counter-evolutionary
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By
I don't know whether it was a dream or if I read it somewhere – I think I must have read it because I have lived in South Africa all my life and only have nightmares, not dreams – but I recall somethi...
14
Sep
Backwards to the future
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By
Dear Comrade President Zuma,
Congratulations on your narrow escape at the reed dance in Nongoma the other day. I was alarmed to read that hundreds of bare-breasted virgins had become possessed by dem...
10
Sep
Do we panic now or later?
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By
I would like to commend America for alerting its citizens in South Africa to a possible terrorist attack on US interests in our magnificent country. It's important to take care of one's own.
The warn...
08
Sep
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By
I bought a container of cherries this week because it's been a while since I had a cherry. In more ways than one.
Cherries are the heroin of the fruit world and they were down my gullet in ninety sec...
02
Sep
Not much wealth, but certainly common
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By
Something I wrote a few months back.
Parties exploded across Durban when Edmonton withdrew its bid to host the 2022 Commonwealth Games, leaving this glittering jewel of the east coast the sol...