Dear Sir/Madam,
I greet you as Sir/Madam because I do no know if you are a Sir or a Madam or even a Sir as well as a Madam, like Caitlyn Jenner. I am simply covering all bases, as you would expect from your future head of Information Technology.
To be honest, working for SARS was never really part of my life plan. Not that I have one. But if I did, I doubt it would involve working for the taxman. Not that I have anything in principle against taking from the poor and giving to the rich. It’s just that I am not very good at numbers.
I only decided to come and work for you after watching an interview with your current boss of IT, Mmamathe Makhekhe-Mokhuane. It was patently clear that MMM or, to simplify it, M³, is one of those rare people who pretend to know less than they actually do. Whether it’s a self-defence mechanism or a tactic to lull the enemy (journalists, commissions of inquiry etc) into a false sense of security, she has absolutely mastered it.
After watching M³ being interviewed on SABC, I am certain that I know more about IT than she does. For instance, I know how to copy and paste, use a cellphone and replace the paper in a Xerox machine. Can she do that? Exactly. What really attracted me to the position, though, was the news that M³ earned just under R3-million for a month short of a year’s work. I use the word ‘work’ loosely.
I am sure you are reluctant to get rid of one of SARS’ most promising employees. Quite frankly, I don’t know what she has been promising but I can promise you that my promises will be bigger and better. For instance, M³ attended four out of fourteen management meetings in the last few months. I promise to attend none.
Like her, I also know how to handle tough questions, whether they be from reporters or the head of a commission of inquiry. For example, when the Nugent Commission asked what she meant when referring to people who had been at SARS for years, she replied: “The Drakensberg Boys Choir was established in 1967. If you are a girl, the establishment doesn’t allow you to go there. It is 2018 but the Drakensberg remains a boys choir … and they sing quite well.”
This is a very good answer, but I could have done better. If I was in her position and someone asked me about, say, the state of IT infrastructure at SARS, I would have said, “In order to find out if a female giraffe is ready to mate, a male will use his head and rub her backside until she pees. He then drinks the urine to find out if she’s in heat.” Take that, Judge Nugent! Game over.
Is it true that your organisation’s IT infrastructure has been neglected for four-and-a-half years? That’s nothing. My ex-wife ignored my unwieldy priapism for a full seven years. I am very familiar with neglect and with that salary I am prepared to ignore pretty much everything.
M³ also told the commission that the revenue service would need R2-billion “to keep the lights on” in her division. This is a dangerously conservative estimate. When I get the job, I will need at least R3-billion for experts to come up with a comprehensive schematic diagram identifying the location of what I imagine are countless light switches. Then another R1-billion for light bulbs and R4-billion for sundries.
M³ said her division had identified depreciated assets that were “running through God’s grace”. Once I am in charge, I will fix everything right away so that God can get back to doing the stuff he really enjoys, like helping Israel bomb Gaza and spreading cancer among children.
During my term of employment, I will obviously require protection from yourself. This means you may not ever fire me. Or even talk to me.
Yours in IT,
Comrade Benjamin “Komputah” Trovato
Carry on, Ben Trovato! I laughed like a drain. Is that possible? Maybe like a donkey crying. If M to the third can explain anything, I wonder what she explained to her husband. He is obviously glad to be married to her (for the money) but maybe is having a hard time understanding what she says at home…?
the literary equivalent of sex with a clown. We were warned!
any excuse not to have to believe in God seems like a good excuse at the time…after all, believing would mean owing a huge, insurmountable debt of love, and love is just too damn expensive to give away these days, right?
If you feel comfortable with this entire article, you’ve probably settled for the cheaper option, and if that sits well with your conscience, so be it.
Why take something that was clearly meant to highlight the kind of people our government puts in leadership positions for their own agendas and go wildly off track by mocking God and children with cancer. If you don’t believe in God, that is your issue, why make it ours. You spoiled a good piece with your personal issues. Sad
The devil made me do it.
Yes unfortunately his arrogance in mocking the Most High is stinking to high heaven just like the arrogance in foolishness from our leaders. Good piece, pity about that.
Ben for President!
Absolutely fantastic!
I hope people are donating so that you can carry on with this blog..
Keep up the great work!
Jokes aside, it is disturbing that there are some comentators on this thread who unwittingly demonstrate their suitability for a post in SARS IT department.
That sounds like Hansie Cronje… oh, gosh, I should not have said that!
What a moron , nothing else needs saying,Get of ththe legalized dagga, as for God get to know Him before tou pass your ignorant judgement of Him
Tiago. It seems that you are well acquainted with this God person. Perhaps you can introduce him to Ben. Perhaps the three of you can do coffee somewhere…
Maybe not coffee. Word on the street is that God is more of a gin man.
Would account for his mood swings.
You can ask him about that when you meet him. I trust Tiago will make the arrangements shortly…
you are KILLING me …
OMG!!!!!
A very funny and topical article.
A pity you couldn’t help showing your anti Israel/Jewish bias.
Yeah I agree with Jeff Sapire. A bit of a cheap shot. I would expect a little better from Ben.
You clearly don’t have any empathy for children with cancer.
Being against Israeli apartheid and murderous practises is NOT anti JEWISH… pity your brain cannot make the distinction between the 2. Probably the same brain that sees NOTHING wrong in the way the Israeli govt conducts itself, to which alot of God fearing Jews and even Israelis themselves are speaking out against…
I am on the floor crying
She looks more uncomfortable than the patients in the proctologist’s waiting room.
Hysterical!
You woke my family up this morning with my laughter.
I wonder if she uses efiling to declare her taxes? Must be quite a lot.
Ben is a breath of fresh air.
Teamed up with Peiter Dirk Uys they will have the country rolling with laughter…. at a sad situation!!!!