Dear Sir or Madam,

I imagine you are a sir and not a madam because things would not have descended to this level if a woman were left in charge, although it must be said that the Speaker is a woman (aren’t they all?). Perhaps she doesn’t have what it takes to save this roiling beast of a country. I can assure you, sir, that I do.

A weekend newspaper interviewed someone called Molotho Mothapo. Apparently he is the spokesman for parliament. When asked how many security officers were on duty the night of the fire, he replied: “I can’t give the exact number.” Can’t or won’t? The only way to get the truth from these people is to extract it. I would use sodium pentothal and a pair of long-nosed pliers.

Asked why parliament had been without a head of security since 2015, Mothapo said: “We have not been able to find a suitable person.” Well, obviously. It’s common knowledge that South Africa has only unsuitable people left. It’s why the cabinet looks the way it does. By no stretch of the imagination could anyone in Ramaphosa’s government be called “suitable”, and yet there they are.

When asked why there have been so many security breaches, he replied: “What security breaches?” Good man, that Mothapo. He understands the art of implausible deniability. I may take him as my deputy. Talent like that shouldn’t be wasted on politics.

As parliament’s new head of security, my first act will be to secure the perimeter. With the help of indigent layabouts, of which Cape Town has an abundance, I will dig a moat around the National Assembly and fill it with crocodiles. At first I thought hippos, but there is enough grunting and yawning inside the chamber.

Another security measure parliament lacks is a minefield. I’m thinking M14 “Toe-poppers”, cute little things first deployed by the United States in 1955. I don’t know where. Probably around the black suburbs in Alabama.

I will use wineboarding on members prone to pathological lying. Wineboarding is similar to waterboarding but more humane because, unlike the Americans, we are not savages and we have a culture of drinking rather than scaring ourselves to death.

Also, it would be good exposure for the Western Cape’s wine industry. I imagine the DA would demand to be tortured with something sweet and fruity from Stellenbosch. A nice Jordan Riesling, perhaps. The EFF, on the other hand, might prefer something cheap and red. Like a Tassenberg 2022. I will have to keep an eye on Julius Malema, that he doesn’t bribe one of my men to decant Chateau Lafite into a Tassenberg bottle.

These so-called “white shirts” you were sending in to deal with unruly members will have to go. They couldn’t even take down Floyd Shivambu, and that guy is one Jack Daniels away from a heart attack. I will bring in my own team of “brown shirts”, loosely modelled on the Sturmabteilung. They will all be of Israeli extraction. These guys know how to quell dissent. Some will be assigned to sniper duty and positioned in the public gallery, which is the best place for a clear shot at any disruptive honourables.

They won’t be on shoot-to-kill orders. I’m not a murderer. Yet. The Speaker will give a member three chances to take his or her seat. We have seen in the past that some representatives simply refuse to listen. A minor flesh wound inflicted by a 7.62mm round fired from an IWI Dan will encourage them to comply with the rules and regulations of the House.

Those members who consistently exceed their alloted time with repetitive, whining speeches will be darted with tranquilliser guns. Nothing too heavy. They’ll be back on their feet in an hour or so. My men will have specific instructions to keep a close eye on John Steenhuisen.

My master plan, and I would urge you to keep this to yourself for now, is to seal off the building once all 400 members are in the chamber. I know this is a rare occurrence, but when it does happen, we need to be ready. The drawbridge will be raised and the mines activated. Metal shutters will drop down from the windows and the hounds will be unleashed. Nobody will be permitted to leave until the executive is properly held to account. And I do mean properly. There can be no more fannying about. South Africa is out of time.

I will only be able to assume the position once parliament has been rebuilt after that poor homeless lunatic accidentally set the place light while trying to cook his pigeon dinner. I’d sugget you use sturdier material this time. Asbestos works well. Ask Ace Magashule.