Saving Private Lion – We’ve seen this movie before
“Emaciated lions, open wounds, pens covered in faeces, no shelter in blazing sun, cubs on rubbish dumps, lacerated paws – the images displayed on the screen were shocking. But Douglas Wolhuter of the...
Durban’s Mitchell Park – RIP
I remember going to Durban's Mitchell Park as a kid. It was fantastic. Huge trees, rolling lawns, exotic birds and animals in enclosures – even an elephant and a crocodile that never seemed to move– a...
ANC’s January 8 statement leaked
Comrades and compatriots,
People of South Africa,
We gather here today in Mangaung, the cradle of our birth, inspired by … hold on, this is last year’s speech. Nobody wrote me a new one? It doesn’t ...
Cyril Ramaphosa’s January 8 statement leaked
Comrades and compatriots,
People of South Africa,
We gather here today in Mangaung, the cradle of our birth, inspired by … hold on, this is last year's speech. Nobody wrote me a new one? It doesn't ...
Shady Jake, the one-eyed trouser snake
I thought I was hallucinating when I heard Jacob Zuma's uniquely soporific drone on the telly, bumbling along at his usual three words a minute and setting off polygraph machines across the country.
...
Politicians playing presidential Tinder
Party leaders have begun shyly trying on their sexiest outfits and practising their best pick-up lines as they prepare to woo us. If they hope to become the president of South Africa next year, they'r...
Dear Comrade Premier Panyaza Lesufi…
Congratulations on having the courage to embark on your long unofficial journey to the presidency. People say you're a populist as if that's a bad thing. Who doesn't want to be popular? I have been un...
Enjoy Durbs not-by-the-sea
The ANC in KwaZulu-Natal says Jacob Zuma will lead its campaign ahead of next year's general election. What a good idea. Durban is like one of those burned-out racehorses who break a leg and have to b...
The Secret Diary of Carl Niehaus (aged 63¼)
December 25, 2022
Happy birthday, Jesus! But more importantly, happy birthday, me! Today I am … wait, let me go fetch my calculator. Born in 1959 and today is 2022 so that makes me, um, 3981 years ol...
Don’t underestimate the power of illiteracy
I was shocked to discover that 19% of our Grade 4s are able to read. Who are these little suck-ups? These goody-goody nerds think they're better than the 81% who can't make head or tail of the most ba...
ANC runs Durban – into the ground
“Since 1994 the ANC has created close to eight million new jobs.” Who said this?
A pathological liar.
A man recently emerged from a long coma.
Cyril Ramaphosa.
All of the above.
Some ...
Judges and journos are guarding the gates
In some countries, the police are referred to as the “thin blue line” between civilisation and anarchy. Obviously, that doesn't apply in South Africa. For a start, given the massive girth and low IQ o...