Vote Ben II for the next pope
Dear Comrade Cardinals,
I love Catholics. I am about as Catholic as you can get without actually being Catholic. I almost became one a few years ago but my wife wouldn’t let me join the line for bisc...
Cyril vs Donald – A meeting from hell
A Sunday paper reported that Donald Trump has agreed to meet Cyril Ramaphosa face to face. Here's a preview of what to expect.
Ten minutes before the meeting, the two men discuss arrangements with th...
Goodbye, Mr Pope
So Pope Francis died today, possibly as a consequence of meeting JD Vance yesterday. To remember him, here's a letter I wrote a few years ago:
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Dear Comrade Pope,
You...
An open letter to Mcebisi Jonas, Special Envoy to the Home of the Braindead
Dear Mcebisi,
I hear you're going to be our new man in Washington. Reward or punishment? Hard to say. Anyway, its always nice to get a lucrative side hustle, even if it is in a country that is fast t...
When Good Friday turned bad
In accordance with my annual tradition, I'm republishing a column I wrote some years ago.
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I was making an emergency house call on the bad yellow-eyed woman when I stumbled across a...
Application for the post of ambassador to the US
To whom it may concern:
Perhaps not the best way to start an application letter for a post in the diplomatic corps, or anywhere in government for that matter. There's a good chance no one in the civi...
Durban’s Mitchell Park – RIP
I remember going to Durban's Mitchell Park as a kid. It was fantastic. Huge trees, rolling lawns, exotic birds and animals in enclosures – even an elephant and a crocodile that never seemed to move– a...
Fear and loathing in the Drunkensberg…
I should be writing about something serious like the finance minister's latest distribution of our hard-earned money among the salivating hyenas, but I can't, because I'm trapped in the Drunkensberg. ...
Kallie Kriel – chief beneficiary of the Dunning-Kruger Effect
Here's something I wrote to AfriForum's Kallie Kriel almost seven years ago. The poor oke has been at this for a long time...
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Hello Oom Kallie. How is it going with Oom? Is it...
In the war between beer and nature, beer will always win
One from the archives....
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Why am I being badgered by bearded women demanding that I vote for Table Mountain? The last time I voted for anything was in 1994, and look where th...
Snakes and adders – A devil of a game
I caught a snake on my eleventh birthday. Not one of those scary big-ass mothers that can squeeze you to death and swallow you whole. I didn’t grow up in the Amazon jungle, even though my table manner...
Dear six-year-old kids …
I usually write to our high school “graduates” offering bad advice on how to negotiate the perils of the real world, but there’s nothing I can do for Generation D. That stands for Doomed, in case you ...