An Open Letter to President Jacob Zuma
Dear #1,
Do you mind if I call you Number One? It has the ring of victory to it. Oh sure, it also has ablutionary connotations, but you won’t find anyone in my circle of friends saying things like, “...
An Open Letter to the Independent Communications Authority of South Africa
Dear Sir or Madam,
Forgive me for I know not whether you are a sir or a madam. For all I know, you are both. If you are indeed a hermaphrodite or even a transsexual who dreams of one day undergoing g...
Welcome To Club Dead
From: bentrovato@mweb.co.za
To: hatemyavuz@superonline.com
Subject: For the attention of Mr Hatem Yavuz of the Hatem Yavuz Group, purveyors of fine pelts and furs
Dear Mr Yavuz,
I understa...
If Anyone Can, The Anglican
Dear Archbishop of Canterbury,
My friend Ted and I spent last weekend praying that the Church of England would not allow women to be ordained as bishops. We already live with women who tell us that ...
Dear Tom Cruise (A Flashback)
“I’m going to eat the cord and the placenta right there.”
Who said this? Was it Jeffrey Dahmer? Hannibal Lecter? No, it was you, Tom. In an interview a few months before the birth of your first biolo...
An Open Letter To Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu
Dear Bibi,
Well done on your latest crackdown on foreigners in Israel. It's bad enough they are goyim, but schvartze goyim? Oy vey!
Billions of Africans are fleeing to glittering democracies like Is...
An open letter to French President Nicolas Sarkozy
Cher Monsieur Président,
Comment allez vous, eksê. What a shame that the Dutch beat you to my country. French is so much easier on the tongue than Afrikaans. Oh well. C'est la vie. Or, as we ...
Dear Boss of Eskom
One from the archives – a letter I wrote to Eskom almost 10 years ago to the day.
...............................
This is the fourth time I am writing this letter to you. The first three times y...
Dear 4×4 Driver
The great outdoors really was until you came along. Now it’s just the outdoors. The part that made it great ended abruptly when I was sideswiped by your forweeldrarv’s wing mirror on what I had always...
Dear Barman
“Two Tagel lagers and a double Jack on the rocks, please.”
“Sorry?”
“Two Tafels and a double Jack.”
“Sorry?”
“TWO TAFELS …”
And so it begins. I have just walked into your bar and already my idea ...
Dear Captain of the Golf Club
I like your title. It evokes images of strength and leadership. Of fearless officers who lead their men into battle. Of Captain Marvel, Captain America, Captain Planet.
And now, you. Captain Golf.
W...