2015 – A DIY kind of year
Friends, Romans, countrymen. Lend me your beers.
This year, ask not what your government can do for you because you tried that last year and it worked about as well as DStv in the rain. You be...
Lord of the Piston Rings
Now that Christmas is behind us and we have had our fill of the body and blood of Christ and no longer feel beholden to preach peace and goodwill to all and sundry, we can return to being the people w...
Adopt the brace position
This must be a terribly confusing time for the children of dyslexic parents. “If you're good, Satan might come down the chimney on Christmas Eve!” What a horrible thought. And yet he brings pre...
A matter of degrees
Even though I have never lied about my qualifications, I still managed to reach the top of my field. Okay, that's not true. I don't have a field. But I did manage to reach the top of my garden once. I...
Sharks can bite me
I am a surfer. Condemn me if you must, but there it is.
I do other things, too, of course, because I am now too old to earn a living from the sport. Sure, I could make surfboards out of compressed mar...
Parliament seeks scapegoats
Parliament is running an advertisement in some of the papers. This venereal institution is not, as one might think, looking for a Speaker capable of keeping order without calling in an air strike. A S...
The night Bobby dropped in on Osama
An open letter to Robert O’Neill, the American soldier who killed Osama bin Laden
Hey Bobby!
When I saw a headline this week saying, “The Seal who killed Osama”, my first thought was that the true st...
Smoke that cob
The bad yellow-eyed woman said she was going for an afternoon nap. Said I should buy some fish for supper. And not a chunk of hake deep-fried in a vat of recycled batter, which, as everyone knows, is ...
What? Me worry?
I have begun worrying about things. This is unusual for me. I have worried very little ever since leaving school.
Worrying has an effect on one’s health. It also has an effect on one’s financial statu...
Hey Oscar, how’s the reception in Cell C?
Howzit Oscar, Congratulations, boet. You’ve got to be the luckiest oke alive. Okay, maybe not the luckiest. But still. For the judge to have bought your ‘intruder’ story was a miracle on its own. And ...
Ways to leave your lover (without going to jail)
It is not uncommon for a man to find himself in a situation where he has to get rid of a wife or girlfriend at short notice. There are several ways of accomplishing this. Personally, however, I wouldn...
Speed up or die
Happy International Day of the Older Person.
It's not today. It was sometime earlier in the week. I forget when, exactly. Wednesday, I think. Not being able to remember stuff is one of the side effec...