Juju and the wrong arm of the law
The Honourable Comrade Julius Malema has been appointed to the Judicial Services Commission. This is not a drill. Women and children first.
When I heard the news, I went into a spin, began drinking h...
Would you like your Schnauzer medium or well done?
Oh, to have been in the ancient Chinese prefecture-level city of Yulin a few days ago. To walk along the shores of Lake Hongjiannao, smelling the peach blossoms and basking in the sultry summer air. T...
A letter to the Hon. Julius Malema
Dear Honourable Comrade Commander-in-Chief,
Congratulations on landing once again with your bum firmly in the butter.
If sheltered employment is what you’re looking for, you could do a lot worse tha...
Death or glory
Hello. My name is Ben Trovato and I am an addict.
My bum is a mess of weeping couch sores and my face looks like roadkill. And still I cannot stop. If there is a game of soccer on the telly, I have t...
Twisting the wrong arm of the law
Last weekend I bribed my first policeman. Yes, I know. It's shocking to think that I have lived in this country my whole life and only now has this happened.
I have friends in Joburg who bribe cops t...
Beer, books and brawling
Cape Town’s literary community was rocked to its foundations last week when beer was offered for the first time ever at a book launch.
Guests who attended the launch of Incognito – The Memoir...
Everybody must get stoned.
Chief Justice Mogoeng Mogoeng is on a mission to put the fear of God into us. He believes South Africa would be a far better country “if religion could be allowed to influence the laws that govern our...
Big elections need big rulers – get the measure of it today
What I enjoy most about elections is waking up early, packing a cooler box of beer and a moonbag of amphetamines, and setting off to cast my ballot at as many polling stations as possible before being...
Gettin’ me a little R&R
It wasn't long before I was convinced that Mkuze Game Reserve had no animals. Judging by the size of the staff, it was entirely possible that they had eaten the lot.
I went into a hide where a sectio...
Application to the SA Army: Training Programme
Dear Madam,
I am certain you are a madam because the army would never allow a man to open the mail. However, with this new-fangled, touchy-feely, homo-friendly vibe going around, you may wel...
A letter from South Africa – postal code 419
My dear respected Nigeria,
I came upon your good name in the newspapers and I hope you do not object me to approaching you with this information. I have the believe that you are a reputable and trust...
Renewing my licence to loot
I was sitting in a bar the other day admiring how young and virile I looked in the photo on my driver's licence when I noticed that it had expired. In November. What's the point of having one of these...