Dear President Donald Trump, Master of the Universe, Lord of every creeping thing that creepeth, flying thing that flyeth and fishy thing that swimmeth,

Congratulations on your spectacular acquisition of Venezuela! I have always dreamed of a South American country I could call my own. Love the weather and the food. And the girls! Oh, man, the girls. What am I saying. Of course you’ve done your research.

Personally, I would’ve started with something smaller. Ecuador, maybe, but you went right in and snatched one of the middleweights. I bet a million pesos you’re already planning to move on Cuba like a bitch. Then Colombia. Grab ’em by the president. It’s the only language they understand.

Greenland should be a piece of cake after this. A piece of pastry. A Danish, if you will. Hell, give me a .50 caliber Desert Eagle, a bottle of Balkan 176, a powerful dog and Nuuk will be yours by sunset. Nuuk is not the name of the dog. It’s the capital. I expect you’ll give it a more fitting name – Trumptown has a ring to it. Did you know that Denmark and Norway split up in 1814 and Denmark got Greenland in the divorce? Like you, I also hate people who get things in divorces. So undeserving. Denmark needs to be pushed down the stairs so you don’t have to pay maintenance for Greenland. You know, similar to the way you got sole custody of Ivanka and the idiot boys.

You, my friend, are the Hernán Cortés of our age. I don’t intend to insult you. Obviously I mean a white version of the Spanish conquistador. Are the Spanish white? I can never tell. They don’t behave as if they are, given their irrational condemnation of your perfectly legal appropriation of Venezuela and entirely lawful abduction of President Maduro.

When I saw a recent clip of Maduro mocking your brilliant dance moves, I knew right away that that would be the last straw. Nobody could blame you. Anyone in your position would have lashed out. Obama would’ve unleashed the nukes. Your restraint, sir, is admirable.

You’re the first president in history to bomb eight countries in a year. Keep that up and I can’t see how you wouldn’t get the Nobel Peace Prize this year.

Speaking of which, I read a report saying you refused to send a supportive message to María Corina Machado after she accepted the 2025 Peace Prize, even though she went out of her way to kiss your large but perfectly formed derrière.

“If she had turned it down and said, ‘I can’t accept it because it’s Donald Trump’s,’ she would be the president of Venezuela today,” quoted the failing Washington Post. I wish I’d known how easy it was for you to declare someone president of a foreign country. You deserve to own the world and all the prizes, my liege, and I declare my undying allegiance. Please may I have Australia?

So Vice President Delcy Rodriguez is now acting in Maduro’s place while he faces charges of importing tons of cocaine into the US, most of which ended up in Donald Jr’s septum. I’m not judging here. It’s not easy to be a senior member of a white-collar crime family. Time is money and money never sleeps. The use of Venezuelan marching powder is highly recommended for staying awake for weeks at a time.

Problem is, Rodriguez seems not to have got the memo and is encouraging citizens to resist American rule. Was there nobody around who could have been quite literally parachuted into the position? What about the Hegsegeth fellow, or whatever his name is? He seems to have a taste for strong drink and easy victories.

Sources tell me that your courts recently sent the former Honduran president to jail for 45 years for drug trafficking and then you pardoned him a few weeks later. Well done. Juan Orlando Hernández was never involved in the Sinaloa Cartel. He obviously thought he was supporting a literacy foundation for Tegucigalpa orphans. Just shows how wrong your courts can get it. Shut them down at once. I hope they won’t make the same mistake with Maduro. This is, after all, a man who created the Ministry of Supreme Social Happiness to reduce poverty. Sure, he also created a lot of the poverty, but what a great name for a government department. That alone deserves a pardon.

Anyway, good luck with your war against Europe. God knows NATO deserves a thrashing, what with them still believing you’re a friend and ally when you’re doing everything you can to reveal your true colours. Nitwits. With any luck, they’ll all be speaking American by Christmas, the euro will have been cannibalised by the dollar and everyone will have forgotten that Jeffrey Epstein ever existed.