Congratulations! Not everybody can become the prime minister of Great Britain! Actually, I take that back. Larry the Cat would’ve made a better leader than Boris Johnson.

I’m sure you will agree that Boris was little more than a personality cult. British people must be relieved that this situation won’t be repeated, if only because you fall considerably short in the personality department. Obviously, I mean this as a compliment.

Thank heavens that appalling Rishi Sunak didn’t win. Is he even British? I’d get MI5 to check him out if I were you. Have your men follow him. He probably has Nigerians over for dinner.

I notice he didn’t shake your hand when the result was announced on Monday. Then again, your husband didn’t give you a hug either. I do hope he’s not still angry with you for shagging the Right Honourable Mark Field in 2004.

It’s about time Britain had another woman prime minister. Forget Theresa May. She was barely human. But Margaret Thatcher did a brilliant job of bringing the common people to their knees. Thanks to liberal snowflakes like David Cameron, they were allowed back on their feet. The task now falls upon you to return these smelly work-shy oiks to their rightful place in the hierarchy. This shouldn’t be difficult since many are distracted by hunger and unemployment. Soon they will be weakened further by not being able to afford heating. Winter is coming. You must strike while the iron is cold.

A poll found that 52% of the public said they thought you’d be a poor or terrible prime minister. So which is it? Poor or terrible? That’s the trouble with voters. They can’t make up their minds. No matter. You have two years to show them what you’re made of. For a start, your preternatural ability to seek out photo opportunities is second to none, and you know how to rock a drab frock more than most. That’s enough to get the ball rolling.

I believe you were a Remainer in the 2016 referendum but then became a Brexit groupie after the result. No harm in that. Some of South Africa’s brightest politicians are opportunists and flip-floppers. You’d get on well with our Julius Malema. Maybe not.

So you worked for Shell before going into politics? Excellent. This means you’ll know how important it is to destroy the environment before it destroys us. It’s us against the planet right now and no matter how many floods, earthquakes, droughts and fires it throws at us, with frackers like you in power, we will emerge victorious.

One thing does worry me. Before joining the Conservative Party, you were a Liberal Democrat who supported the legalisation of marijuana and the abolition of the monarchy. Were you being held hostage? Did they drug you? I trust you have expunged all tendencies of what can only be described as a disturbing lurch to the left. The Queen is awesome and marijuana users are servants of Satan. Let us not speak of this again.

Some grim-faced taxpayers wearing threadbare cardigans and cheap dentures are demanding that you put a cap on energy prices. Be strong, Liz. Tell them that if they don’t stop whining, you’ll put a cap in their asses. It’s the only language the elderly understand. If they still don’t shut up, build euthanasia centres where the old dears can go when the cost of living becomes too much. Free on the NHS, of course. You’re not a monster.

Or you could take a leaf out of our ANC’s book and simply ignore the irrational demands of the so-called people. Once that starts to wear off, lie to them. Alternate between lying and ignoring and you will eventually wear them down. It works in my country. For a bit of sport, you could tell them you are forming a task force. Our president has just created a National Anti-Corruption Advisory Council and some of his opponents laughed so much that they had to be hospitalised after rupturing their spleens. Clever tactic.

I’m sure there are those in the Tory leadership who will have the knives out for you. It’s the same over here. The only difference is that the enemies within our president’s own party are likely to be in prison by the time we have our next general election. Not because it’s the traditional African way of dealing with competition. Our Cyril is too nice for that sort of thing. It’s that they really are criminals. Your lot probably isn’t, though. Give it time. Most senior Tories are eventually caught snorting horse tranquillisers off the thighs of young Togolese immigrants. By their own petards shall they be hung.

I heard a reporter say you have an overflowing in-tray on your desk. Our cabinet ministers have overflowing entrées on their desks. Give it a shot. You could use a little meat on those delicate, upper-class bones.