I need a lawyer

I received a worrying email earlier today from someone called Clouise Oranje. It appears as if I am in some sort of legal trouble. I replied to her/him but have yet to hear back. I fear the worst.


—– Original Message —–
From: “Clouise Oranje” <clouiseoranj@webmail.co.za>
Sent: Friday, October 5, 2018 1:38:24 PM

Good day,
This letter serves as the formal notice of an intent to file a lawsuit against you in court.
A hearing date has been confirmed for 11th October 2018, and if you wish to resolve this matter without court action, our client will expect refund within Seven (7) days of this notice.
The Court summons letter is in the PDF below.
Kindly verify your receiving email client on the attached to redirect and download summons. Justice Department summons letter: Letters of Intent
Clouise Oranje
Court Clerk
Magistrate Court
Justice Firm Debt Collection Agent
Lovedale Road, City of Bloemfontein,Private Bag X20583,
Bloemfontein, 9300 South Africa.


​​​From: bentrovato@mweb.co.za

To: “Clouise Oranje” <clouiseoranj@webmail.co.za>

Sent: Friday, October 5, 2018 1:46:52 PM



Dear Mr/Mrs/Adv Oranje,

You have made me very frightened with your electronic letter and I have been forced to open the good bottle of gin I was saving for Christmas just to steady my nerves!

I do not know what is a PDF. I am very old and my only clever friend who knows about computers is dead because of poisoning. Is this what you are accusing me of? I did not poison him! It was his wife. I warned him not to marry her. Fred, I said, that woman does not look right to me.

If it is not the poisoning, please can you tell me what I did? Whatever it was, I did not do it. I don’t know where I am most of the time but I swear on the bible that I was not anywhere near the scene of the crime. Yes, I have done some bad things in my life. Who hasn’t? I killed twelve Germans but this was long after the war. Is this about the Germans?

I do not want to go to jail. I have the wrong temperament for it. I also have the wrong kind of bottom. What I am trying to say is that I have never had bum sex. I will kill myself if you send me to jail. I will also kill myself if I have to go to Bloemfontein.

Please tell me what I must do.

Yours truly
Mr Benjamin Trovato

8 thoughts on “I need a lawyer

  1. William says:

    Ben you are mad where do you get all this sensible nonsense you write about,you always make my day Ben

  2. Chris Marrington says:

    Worth winding up these douche-bags, like Joe Lycett:

  3. Paul says:

    Ben: You may cause death by laughter. I was wondering if you would threaten to kill the sender after killing yourself but the germ of it all was killing 12 Germans…after the war…and pleading not guilty. You make my day. The letter is a refined version of 419

  4. Phil Crank says:

    How dare you use the “C” word in October. The “C” word can be used on 24-26 December only.

  5. Greitje says:

    Webmail. Where all the honest people hang out…
    I love how spammers get even more creative these days, like coaxing you into opening their germ-filled Pdfs, and giving themselves almost believable names like Clouise Oranje. JEEZUS

  6. Ian Dee says:

    Probably a TV license infringement !

  7. Peter Garnett says:

    Classic misdirection! Debt summons becomes a case for anal invasion. Great thinking.

  8. sharon Goss says:


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