Since today falls in the middle of the Bric’s meeting, it seemed right to send each leader a personalised message.

President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva: Bem-vindo! You will feel right at home here because our countries, they are not so different. We both have an abundance of crime and poverty. You have favelas, we have townships. We are both in the top 10 most unequal countries. We do outclass you when it comes to alcohol consumption, though. We’re seventh in the world compared to your pathetic 46^th. You should encourage your people to drink more. It helps them forget how poor they are. Yours do love their cocaine, however, so that counts for something. You spent time in jail in 2018 after being convicted of accepting bribes. Our previous president faces similar charges but our courts consider the Stalingrad strategy to be an acceptable legal defence. Well done on ousting that Covid-denying, Amazon-burning Bolsonaro thug. He’s South America’s very own Donald Trump and isn’t fit to run anything bigger than a stall selling fried codfish balls on Copacabana Beach. I’ve never been to Brazil but I do like your nuts. Our president doesn’t have any. Good luck at the meeting. Don’t take any guff from those Chinese plunderers. They are after one thing only, and I don’t mean your nuts, although they will put pretty much anything in their mouths.

President Xi Jinping: Huānyíng guānglín to what is well on its way to becoming one of your satellite states! You will feel very at home here. One of our courts ruled in 2008 that Chinese-South Africans should be classified as “black”, even though most white South Africans are way darker than your average Chinese. Not that your people are average in any way. Well, maybe in one area. But as far as scoring government tenders goes, being black is a definite win. Does this mean you’re an honorary darkie for the time you are here? It is important to adapt to local customs, so feel free to play the race card, claim victimisation and if anyone disagrees with you, have them assassinated. I’ve never been to China but I do love your food. Especially in polystyrene containers on a Friday night when the munchies kick in. I’m also a big fan of your Laogai system. Labour camps are what we need – not the holiday camps that constitute South Africa’s prisons. Put the dissidents to work, I say. Punish ’em by making them listen to speeches by Blade Nzimande. They’ll soon enough see the error of their capitalist ways and become loyal little communists. Enjoy the meeting. Don’t take any guff from those Brazilian brutes.

Prime Minister Narendra Modi: Namaste! We are honoured to host you and your delegation. You’d feel more at home in Durban, for sure. Maybe you can make a turn there after this Brics business is over. I grew up among Indian people. Okay, maybe not among. They weren’t allowed to live in my suburb until, like, 1991. But the malls were always full of Indian families on a Saturday morning. It only takes three Durban families to fill a mall, ha ha. Sorry. That’s not funny. Unless it is, in which case, you’re welcome. A word to the wise. Don’t let your guys try to sell Rolexes to the Joburg people. Not even on a buy-one-get-one-free basis. The Nigerians have that market sewn up and they hate competition. I hear India has just overtaken China in the world population stakes. Congratulations! I feel far safer having 1.4286 billion Indians in the world than 1.4257 billion Chinese. At this rate, we’ll all be speaking Hindi by Christmas. You’re good people with good food. How could you not be with thousands of gods and deities watching over you? Worship one god in China and it’s off to the penal colony. Did you know Shiva the Destroyer is the spirit god of the ANC? Have a fruitful meeting. Don’t take any guff from those Russian devils.

Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov: Dobro pozhalovat’! You’re going to love my country. Not in the way that you love Ukraine, hopefully. We are your friend, even though we would have arrested your president, trussed him up like a chicken and sent him off to the Hague to stand trial for war crimes. The important thing to remember is that we are Russia’s friend. Do you know who’s not your friend? Kenya. You didn’t hear it from me. If you want to bomb anyone, it’s them. I’m sorry Vladimir couldn’t make it. I would have given anything to see him riding out of OR Tambo Airport, shirtless, on the back of a hippo. Maybe next time. So your Luna-25 just smashed into the moon? Condolences. You must be disappointed there were no casualties. I’ve never been to Russia so I can’t say if I like your food. You do have very pretty women, though. Did you bring any? They would make lovely gifts for the men in our foreign affairs department. Comrade, I’ve never seen a picture of you smiling. Actually, that’s a lie. There was one taken just after Alexei Navalny had his sentence extended by 19 years. That’ll teach him to shoot off his filthy freedom-loving mouth. Thank you for buying 0.3% of our total imports every year. You are truly a good friend. Best of luck with the meeting. Take lots of Essentiale but don’t take any guff from those Indian scoundrels. Happy Novichok!

President Cyril Ramaphosa: Welcome to South Africa! You are going to love mixing with your fellow rich and powerful people from around the world. You would’ve done this at the G7 summit in Hiroshima in May, but the treacherous Japanese tore up your invitation. Now they’re all here, apart from Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, the United Kingdom and the United States. But who needs them, right? Jacob Zuma’s Chinese chinas invited him to add the S to the Bric in 2010. What could go wrong? Now there are at least 22 great nations like Bangladesh, Iran and Kazakhstan clamouring to join Brics. I can’t wait to see the new acronym.