Dear Bibi Netanyahu,

Well done on staving off the audacious raid on Gaza led by the notorious rebel commander Greta Thunberg and 11 of her guerrillas posing as doctors, journalists and politicians. Half of them are French, a nation known for chopping off the heads of their enemies. And for their pastries, obviously, but mostly the decapitations.

Their warship, Madleen, was cunningly camouflaged as a yacht more often seen taking drunk Italian tourists on sunset cruises. Greta herself was disguised as a freakishly small 22-year-old Swedish girl who couldn’t fight her way out of a paper bag. Clever, but not clever enough.

As you know, the destroyer, fitted with invisible anti-aircraft guns and nuclear missiles, was flying the flag of the United Kingdom and fell under the jurisdiction of that government.

Knowing that the English warlord Keir Starmer would unleash his navy to protect the Madleen, it showed great courage on your part to despatch an inflatable dinghy with four commandos to intercept these drug-crazed bucanneers.

Luckily for you, Starmer was preoccupied with a difficult decision on whether or not to let British pensioners freeze to death this winter and was unable to intervene.

This wasn’t the first time your country has been called upon to repel sea-borne invasions by hairy legged lentil eaters. In 2008, two boats from the Free Gaza Movement managed to breach the blockade. Of course, the well-known antisemite Ehud Olmert was prime minister at the time. He was probably on the beach to welcome them, if his recent comments accusing Israel of commiting war crimes are anything to go by.

There have been several so-called Freedom Flotillas over the years, all of which ended badly and all of which were carrying what these warmongering bootleggers laughingly call “humanitarian aid”.

Had this latest armada of evil made it to Gaza, your great country would have been destroyed by barrages of rice-based rockets and mortars crafted from fig jam. The desalination kits would have been used to turn water into petrol and, within a week, the children’s prosthetics would become drones and landmines. Let us not even speak of the many military uses of diapers and menstrual products, or the 100kg of flour that weighs exactly the same as your favourite American-made bombs and is just as deadly.

The baby formula would have been repurposed into ecstasy and released into Israel’s water supply. Your soldiers and citizens would be flooded with empathy and love for their neighbours and all your and Donald Trump’s efforts to turn Gaza into a glittering riviera would have gone to waste.

By the way, what was that white powder your drones dropped on the Madleen‘s deck? My friend thinks it was cocaine. Were you hoping the shiftless peacemongers would hoover it up and talk each other to death? Going by the speed at which they surrendered, I’d say weed is more their thing.

To be honest, I’m a little disappointed in your uncharacteristic display of restraint. As soon as the Madleen came within striking distance of Israel – which, thanks to America, is anywhere in the world – I started watching on the telly expecting to see a dozen ballistic missiles slam into the poop deck. To be clear, this is a nautical term and not where Greta and her posse would do their number twos, although you never can be sure with these people.

Instead, all I got was a grainy picture of people in lifejackets with their hands up in what looked like a game of Simon Says. Come to think of it, there’s a good chance your man giving the orders was actually called Simon, so that would make sense.

But this was in international waters, for heaven’s sake. You could have done anything and got away with it. Listen to me, telling you things you already know.

There’s a reason Greta never invited a South African to come along for the ride. With four against 12, he would have shouted, “Come on, we can take these okes!” Would’ve been more interesting than watching the yellow-bellied anarchists meekly reaching out for sandwiches and water like Sudanese refugees who’d spent three weeks on a bamboo raft. Feeding them could have proved costly. Take your eyes off these people and they’ll turn a baguette into a lethal weapon in no time at all.

Apart from the distasteful images of a dozen fallen angels of mercy gratefully receiving Israeli food, none of them were killed or even injured. I imagine you were disappointed. Still, your soldiers did manage to kill at least 60 Palestinians in Gaza later that day, so that must have cheered you up.

Anyway, if you plan on interrogating your prisoners, you might want to ask Greta how much fuel the Madleen consumed on their voyage. Does she care more about dying Palestinians than a dying planet? She’s a monster, I tell you. Lock her up. It’s the only language she understands.