This is the year I give it all up. I’m going to make some real money, get fit and have more sex. This year things are going to be different. Really? Unless aliens beam you up to the mother ship and turn you into a completely different person, none of these things are going to happen.
Some people seem to think there are magic spells woven into the end of the Gregorian calendar. They live in an ever-expanding bubble of blind faith, hope and optimism that this year their lives will change. Well, they won’t. Sorry to burst your bubble.
The good news is that there are still some things to look forward to in 2014. For better or worse. Here are a few of them.
* President Jacob Zuma steps down … into his fire pool.
* Oscar Pistorius goes on trial for murder. Police bungle the case so badly that the defence is able to prove it was Reeva Steenkamp who shot Pistorius, resulting in his legs being amputated.
* The Dagga Party is swept into power when three people turn out to vote in the national elections.
* The arms deal commission of enquiry finds that President Zuma helped to buy submarines and Gripens with money from his own pocket. He is recommended for an award.
* Vigilantism proves so effective that civilians are issued with uniforms and the police force is disbanded.
* Pope Francis admits to having been one of Ken Kesey’s Merry Pranksters in the 1960s who experimented with psychedelic drugs. Before joining the church, he was known as Bendy Wendy.
* Shrien Dewani puts on his saddest face yet and gets a gullible British judge to postpone his 27th extradition hearing to March 2038.
* The SA Zionist Federation and Hamas join forces to bomb anyone who says anything negative about Israel or Palestine.
* An orphan from a village in Limpopo declares himself to be the son of God, putting a serious dent in the ANC’s election campaign. Helen Zille applies for adoption and “Jesus II”, as she calls him, becomes the Democratic Alliance’s new poster boy.
* Somali pirates begin operating in the waters off Umhlanga. A naval spokesman says the fleet is engaged in on-going exercises with the German navy in False Bay and is unable to sail for Durban.
* Schools reopen. This is good news for parents only.
* Following the Colorado model, the government announces a task team to investigate the possibility of legalising marijuana in South Africa. The initiative is abandoned after the snacks budget spirals to R10-million within the first month.
* Your cheques are returned because you keep writing the date as 2013. This allows you to play for time – the only commodity you have when you are in debt.
* The Pantone Institute announces that radiant orchid is the colour of the year. Buildings are fenced off to prevent women from jumping to their deaths after they discover that radiant orchid makes them look fat.
* Animals on game farms mount a fight-back campaign and wipe out the country’s hunters.
* Doping in all sports is allowed, elevating performances to exciting new levels. A new high jump record of five metres is set.
* Poland assumes presidency of the European Union. Warsaw’s first act is to order the invasion of Germany.
* An army of giant rats supported by a battalion of talking cockroaches overruns the offices of the Durban municipality, taking control of the city and holding manager Sibusiso Sithole hostage. Three months pass before anyone notices.
* Chinese becomes a compulsory second language in government schools.
* Beer is sold in Pick n Pay.
* Julius Malema makes a run for the presidency. The last remaining white South Africans make a run for the airport.