My suspicions were aroused when I read that South Africa was top of a list drawn up by an Australian company. These people have resented us since 1931 when we kicked the Wallabies’ asses at Newlands in the first-ever test. We won that series 3-2 and they’ve never looked at us the same again. Last Saturday’s massacre at Loftus didn’t help. Then, on top of it all, some of our worst white people keep going off and living among them, lowering the tone of whole neighbourhoods and scaring the wombats.

This particular study was run by Compare the Market, a shadowy crew operating out of Brisbane, a former penal colony for the more difficult convicts. Brisbane plans to host the 2032 Summer Olympics, which is ridiculous considering that by then we’ll all either be dead or held captive on breeding farms controlled by Elon Musk.

Apparently, South Africa has the worst drivers in the world. At first, I was quite proud. Another string to our bow. It’s not every country that can claim a spot on the prestigious FATF grey list, have the highest unemployment rate, the most idiot kids who can’t read, a podium finish on the 2023 Crime Index, an alcohol consumption rate of staggering proportions, and now the World’s Worst Drivers.

Nice going, lads. And ladies, obviously. Fair play to our wives, mothers, girlfriends and sisters for doing their bit to get us to the top.

Compare the Market conducted its study using fatal car crash statistics from 20 countries. And they’re proclaiming us the worst in the world? According to a study I’ve done right now, Australians are the biggest liars in the world. There are 194 countries on this berserk planet, 195 if you count the Holy See, which you can’t because it’s little more than the headquarters of an international crime syndicate.

We’re worse than Costa Rica? I came close to death four times on my way to Bar El Hornito where I’m slumped as we speak. Okay, once was my fault. Maybe twice. But worse than Palestine, where Israel calls in an airstrike if you park on a yellow line?

Let me not detract from our accomplishments. We’ve worked for our place in the sun. By sun I obviously mean the intensive care unit. You don’t simply steal a car and go out and cause carnage, although that is an option. To do it properly, you first have to find a corrupt examiner who will sell you a licence. Our government likes to give the impression that they’re cracking down on corruption, but scratch at the impression and you’ll find festering nests of weevils happy to accept backhanders for just about anything.

Once you have spent a few minutes learning what makes a car go and what makes it stop, which is all you really need to know, you are well on your way to killing someone and possibly yourself. Without you and the cohort of half-asleep, half-drunk halfwits who somehow legitimately passed their driving test and still can’t help driving into things, we might not have made this list at all.

The newspaper article from which I pillaged the idea for this column said that “South African men and women drivers were found to be the worst of the 20 nations”. As opposed to South African what? Cats and dogs? Dolphins? Trees? Perhaps the distinction is made to avoid speculation that it’s children responsible for the mayhem. The casual foreign observer might be forgiven for believing that juvenile delinquents are running the show here.

“While South Africa has the highest number of fatal accidents for both genders, this is significantly higher for men… compared to women, which makes it the country with the largest gender gap.”

We also have the largest gender gap? This is excellent news. Add it to the tally, Cyril. Cyril? Are you there?

“This could be because fewer women in South Africa drive on the road,” the report claimed. You’re right there, Bruce. Our women drive mostly off the road while chasing their beloveds through the veld in the hope of getting them to see the error of their murdering, rapey ways.

According to the study, the worst drivers after South Africans were Brazilian men. Mate. Let me tell you something. Apart from dancing, football and surfing, Brazilian men are the worst everything compared to us. On the other hand, their president is actively saving the Amazon from deforestation, while our president is entirely preoccupied with saving himself.

Apparently, 26.9 Brazilian men per 100,000 people were responsible for fatal crashes. In what appears to be a thinly-disguised attempt to make excuses for that sprawling beast of a South American country, the report said: “This could be due to some unkempt roads, with the potential of large potholes… and roads at risk of flooding.”

Excuse me. Our roads are so unkempt they make Brazil’s look clean-shaven and well-manicured. That crater in Vredefort? Not caused by a meteorite. Just your average Free State pothole.

The UK had the lowest road mortality rate. The study presumably excluded all the young women who, walking home along dimly lit streets after pubs close, get stabbed by deranged policemen and other assorted lunatics.

“With a national speed limit of 112km/h, which goes down to 48 in built-up areas, this could explain why British drivers are some of the safest in the world,” the report lied.

That’s not the reason at all. They’re all on anti-depressants because they have a government almost as bad as ours. Of course they’re going to drive slowly. Also, they’ve found better ways to kill themselves.

As for Australia, they’re seventh on the list. That’s not very good for a police state. Come on, cobbers. Get your act together.