Shooting the breeze … and the boss

An internal survey has found that 65% of cops don’t look forward to going to work in the morning. This means the 35% who do enjoy the job are the ones collecting protection money, soliciting bribes and catching up on lost sleep. Fair play to them.

It’s not just the police, though. Nobody’s keen on going to work anymore. Disasters like the pandemic, Putin, climate change and the ANC have made people realise life is too short for sitting in traffic, settling for 21 days’ leave a year and feigning respect for a boneheaded boss. Unemployment has never looked more appealing. Even homelessness isn’t what it used to be. There are some shelters that will give you Woolworths food. Okay, it’ll be past its best-by date, but then so will you.

If you want ordinary people to look forward to going to work, give them proper perks. Free coffee and knocking off early on Fridays just don’t cut it. Give your staff handguns. For the men, I suggest the Vektor Z88. It’s standard police issue which means you can pick them up for a song on the black market. And for the ladies, the Glock 43. “Small and slender for optimal concealment, recoil is manageable.” That’s also how I like my women.

In my last two salaried jobs, there were “superiors” I’d have shot quite happily. There’s nothing like a gaping flesh wound to encourage your bog-standard narcissistic sociopath to rethink the way he treats those below him on the corporate ladder.

Having been a freelancer for years, there were obviously times I’ve considered shooting myself. Being one of those slothful, undisciplined bosses, it always seemed like too much effort.

Anyway. I don’t know what’s happening anymore. Lines have become seriously blurred. So much skulduggery is afoot that we can no longer differentiate between enemies and allies. It’s like Ukraine. The soldiers on either side can’t tell themselves apart so they tie blue or yellow ribbons on their helmets so they don’t end up killing their own people.

It’s the same in South Africa, without the benefit of ribbons. Back then, it was a black-and-white issue. Well, black or white. Now it’s all about coalitions of the cunning and the cursed. The electoral landscape is littered with landmines like never before. Too many times our votes have blown up in our faces. How much longer must we go lurching blindly into this crocodile-infested swamp? Democracy will be the death of us, I tell ya.

At least there’s no more racism, right? Everyone hates everyone else equally. Bosses hate unions and unions hate them right back. We hate Eskom, Eskom hates us. It’s the same with the government. Our mutual loathing is at unprecedented levels. And just when you think we couldn’t despise these indolent wastrels any more than we already do, the president quietly decrees that ministers and their deputies can get unlimited free water and electricity, R800 000 cars and as many serfs and handmaidens as they can handle.

The deputies, around 35 of them, earn R2 million a year. The big dogs get R2.4 million. The Ministerial Handbook should be renamed the Ministerial Handjob. Happy endings all round. Except for us sacrificial tax-paying lambs.

Weirdly, the one thing our eunuch of a president is quite good at is backtracking when the peasants show signs of getting off their asses and thinking about protesting. So the extra handmaidens are off. For now, it’s back to the old perks of 2019 – having to cough up personally if their monthly utility bills break the R5 000 freebie barrier. Poor bastards. You have to feel for them.

It was left to Cyril’s spokespuppet, Vincent Magwenya, to spin this one. “The president appreciates the public outcry…” He does, does he? In that case, we should do it more often. Keep your boots handy, lads.

Fighting the centrifugal force threatening to drag him from the press conference and into a more respectable job, Magwenya said: “The president is heartened by the fact that we have an active citizenry.” Yes, he must be very heartened, if not shocked, to discover that we aren’t yet utterly exhausted by their endless fuckery and have given up altogether.

He might have mastered the political moonwalk – more Machiavelli than Michael J – but the fact remains that we have a president whose ability to take tough decisions in the interests of South Africa is on a par with a lobster’s capacity for unassisted flight. And now he’s been sucking up to the Saudis.

Perhaps Comrade Mohammed bin Salman could show the ANC how to run a country. Of course, it would mean fewer women drivers on the roads and more amputees hobbling about. Also, loads of public stonings and beheadings on Saturdays. Nice change from the mall. Oh, and Karyn Maughan had better watch herself.

12 thoughts on “Shooting the breeze … and the boss

  1. Kate Jackson says:

    Absolutely brilliant as always! This country is f#@%ked, but if we don’t laugh about it … well, you know… we might kill ourselves. So thank you Mr. T for another hysterically funny piece. Well done Sir.

    1. Ben Trovato says:

      Thank you for the kind words, Kate. Makes a nice change from the death threats. You always were a good kid…

  2. JudyMoo says:

    I am visiting family in Holland – so organised and peaceful that I am starting to feel homesick for SA! Cannot wait to get get back to the unimaginable and ridiculous and exciting place that is my home country!! Keep on keeping on!

  3. Dan says:

    Tell me, is Brenda still in the chest freezer , given she was always a bit frigid. Or has she absconded with Gardener in search bigger things for the rest of her life.
    My bet is she killed Ben 3 years ago, chopped him up, put the bits in a suitcase which got dumped in Wemmer Pan.
    She now writing as Ben and collecting his handsome stipend.

    1. Ben Trovato says:

      Keep it to yourself, Dan

  4. Oete says:

    Ben, were you ever a member of Led Zeppelin? You’re a fucking rock star!

    Keep ‘em coming, bru!

  5. Brian Gaisford says:

    Brilliant Ben.You make my day here in cold NY.

    1. Ben Trovato says:

      Glad to be of assistance, Brian

  6. Leanne says:

    Hilarious!! Love all of it, but a special LOL for……… “There are some shelters that will give you Woolworths food. Okay, it’ll be past its best-by date, but then so will you.”

  7. Andrew says:

    I laughed out loud at “centrifugal force”. Brilliant as always!

  8. Mel Pohler says:

    You never disappoint… “more amputees hobbling about” 🤣 theatre of the mind.

  9. Deborah says:

    Razor sharp as always and so accurate it’s frightening…
    one can only larf whilst trying to hold on to one’s sanity…

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