Cut me loose, mongoose
The parking reserved for doctors was jammed with sparkly Mercs, BMWs and Audis. There was also a Toyota Corolla. Probably belonged to one of them Cuban doctors who come over here and take all our jobs...
Home, James, and don't spare the wotsits
Thirty hours and three flights later, I'm back from Bali. It was 29 degrees when I left Denpasar Airport wearing what I'd worn for a month – baggies, t-shirt and slops. It was four degrees the morning...
The naming of cities is a difficult matter; it isn't just one of your holiday games
There are evenings in which I toy with the idea of going into politics. Of forming my own party. Running for president. Declaring a three-day working week, introducing free-roaming lions to the suburb...
Long haul to Bali
If you have to go to Bali at short notice but lack access to a high-powered boat fitted with supplementary vodka tanks, supersonic stabilisers and three depraved Scandinavian contortionists, you shoul...
Bell Pottinger – experts in reputation damagement
Dear Victoria Geoghegan, Doyenne of Public Relations, Lion of Bell Pottinger, Doctor of Spin and Master of Mass Distraction,
On behalf of all South Africans apart from those who hate you, allow me to ...
Trump scores own coal
Global warming could wipe out three quarters of all species. Is this really such a terrible thing? I wouldn't complain if climate change saw an end to, say, mosquitoes, hadedas and sharks. Or anything...
Tiger Woods still tired and emotional
Here's something I wrote in 2009, the last time Tiger Woods was in the news for something other than golf.
Dear Tiger,
It is absolutely outrageous that the filthy lying dogs of the media are sa...
Dirty, rotten scoundrels
Lying is the new truth. Girls are the new boys. Dogs are the new cats. It occurs to me that I can write any gibberish and get away with it because nobody can tell the difference or perhaps even gives ...
A letter to our next president
Dear President Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma,
I wanted to be the first to congratulate you on your election to the highest office in the land. Please do not panic or consult a sangoma. I am not back from the...
To not swallow or split
Last Wednesday was International Migratory Bird Day and I speak for the indigenous avian community when I say we're happy to see the back of those annoying ingrates. I have never seen such arrogance a...
The people shall govern – or at least boo those who do
I was hoping to make it onto the guest list for the World Economic Forum on Africa that was held in Durban last week but someone must've intercepted my invitation. One of David Mahlobo's spooks, I exp...
So it's May, hey?
Funny word, may. You not only use it to ask for something, but it’s also the shortest name for one of the longest months in the Gregorian calendar. I have no idea who Gregory was and I care even less....