Trannies without fannies
Men don’t really know how to celebrate Women’s Day without running the risk of being called patronising or sexist. All we can do, really, is dress up as a woman and feel what it’s like to walk in thei...
Tap-dancing gorillas and tenants from hell
Did you know that gorillas make up "food songs" while they eat? A German scientist discovered this "fun new fact" while working with the primates in the Congo. I don't think it's a fun fact at all. I ...
Dear Saudi Arabia
Congratulations on your decision to kill the Shiite boy who goes by the name Ali Mohammed al-Nimr. Teenagers are dreadful at the best of times, what with their sighing and eye-rolling and endless dema...
Backwards to the future
Dear Comrade President Zuma,
Congratulations on your narrow escape at the reed dance in Nongoma the other day. I was alarmed to read that hundreds of bare-breasted virgins had become possessed by dem...
Cheater – The Fastest Mammal on Two Legs
Never mind Julian Assange and Wikileaks. Forget Alan Turing cracking Nazi Germany's Enigma code. The hacking of dating site Ashley Madison has done the most damage. If you go outside and listen carefu...
A letter to Big Jake
Dear Comrade Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma the First, by the Grace of God President of the Republic of South Africa, Head of the Household, Defender of the Faith, Pastor of the Flock, Defeater of the Mbek...
Unprotected and exposed
The lights were turned down low. I was nervous. This was my first time. He smiled when I walked in. Gently took my hand in his. I recoiled as he began stroking my arms. "Just relax," he murmured, runn...
No nudes is good nudes
Dear Reverend Mike Effanga,
I wish to applaud you on behalf of all right-wing, I beg your pardon, right-thinking South Africans for your efforts to stop those backsliding nudist barbarians from getti...
An open letter to the Grade One class of 2015
Hello kiddies. I'm your Uncle Ben and I'm here to help explain what's happening to you.
First of all, welcome to hell. You think the last five years of living with your parents was rough? That's nothi...
The filth and the fury
Shell-shocked, I trail through the house kicking aside empty beer bottles and accumulating a thick layer of animal hair on the soles of my feet. By the time I find the bad yellow-eyed woman, I look li...
The Agony and the Methylenedioxymethamphetamine
Men in white coats tell us that hangovers are caused by the excessive intake of alcohol. Funny, then, how it was men in white coats saying, “Can I bring you another?” that caused all the trouble in th...
How to deliver a baby
At this time of year, it’s a good idea for all of us to have some sort of First Aid training. We – and not just the government – are a disaster-prone people and you never know when you might be called...