Finance Minister Pravin Gordhan delivers his budget in parliament tomorrow. Here’s what I’m hoping to see.

• Sell Eskom to Seedat’s Scrap Metal in Randburg and convert the Cape Flats into a wind farm. Harness the untapped energy of unemployed methamphetamine addicts to crank the turbines on still days.
• Discourage longevity by setting the pensionable age for men at 85. Women to be eligible for a state pension from the age of 95.
• R5-billion corruption slush fund which civil servants can access without having to dip into money allocated to health and education.
• R500 for the creation of the Julius Malema Woodwork Academy to supply the nation with knobkieries.
• R10-billion for education. To be spent on fire retardant classrooms, mathematically retarded pupils, pocket money for pregnant schoolgirls, admission of guilt fines for principals and Ritalin for attention-deficit teachers.
• R40-billion for health care. To be spent on buying Scandinavian doctors and implementing a cash-for-euthanasia programme.
• R15-million for Zimbabwe. Negotiate a discount if Robert Mugabe insists on selling voetstoots.
• R7-million for the provision of basic services including shebeens in white suburbs, home delivery of SABS-approved recreational drugs as well as clowns, whores and rent boys for the sick and lonely.
• R20-billion for social grants, including extension of child support to parents of white children up to their 40th birthday or until such time as they manage to emigrate.
• R15-billion for water provision. Reticulation systems to be adapted for the supply of locally produced wine to households in which water is not a viable alternative.
• R100-billion for the 2022 Commonwealth Games. To be disbursed among visiting teams to ensure victory for South Africa in all events.
• R12-million for industrial development. To be spent on converting medium enterprises into small enterprises into micro enterprises into a man wearing a beanie standing on the side of the road asking for a job that isn’t a drain on state resources.
• R50 for agriculture and land reform. To be spent on two bags of fertiliser shared among the agro-fascists who refuse to give up their land to people who would sooner beat their plowshares into swords and their pruning-hooks into spears than do an honest day’s work.
• R300-million for information technology. To be spent on educating home affairs and traffic department officials that when their computer screens go blank, it doesn’t necessarily mean the system has crashed. It means they need to move the mouse. Or tap the space bar. Not yawn and go on lunch.
• R1-trillion for safety and security. To purchase one-way economy class tickets to Perth for every man, woman and child who insists on standing around the braai boring everyone to tears about how their friend knows someone whose friend’s cousin’s uncle was hijacked in the middle of the day.
• R1 000 for programmes under the expanded public works umbrella. To be spent on a new umbrella. A much bigger one. In ANC colours. With a frilly fringe benefit around the edges.
• Increase corporate fraud income tax rates by 5% per widow and 3% per orphan. Tax exemption for companies wanting to strip-mine Port St Johns. Tax the proceeds of charity golf days at 30% for real golfers and 70% for opportunistic booze-hounds who use the occasion to skive off work, rack up a score of 200 and then try to ram their tongue down the barmaid’s mouth while slipping the Cancer Association’s collection box down the front of their trousers.
• R7-billion in tax subsidies over the next three years for labour-intensive home industries that include men whose wives have left them and who are now expected to get off the couch and fetch their own beer from the kitchen.
• A simplified tax regime for small businesses. If you don’t pay on time, men with spiders tattooed on their necks will break down your door and crush your kneecaps. Is that simplified enough, you freeloading douchebag?
• A bicycle tax of R25 000 for cyclists over the age of seven.
• Personal income tax to be abolished for everyone by the name of Trovato.