Dear Comrade Minister Willie Aucamp,

Congratulations! You have barely had time to settle into your well-padded ergonomically designed executive office chair and have already put out a hit on at least three of our Big 5. It’s about time this country had a real man as its environment minister – one who understands that the best way to conserve animals is to kill them.

We haven’t had fresh wildlife hunting quotas in six years. That’s what happens when you have bunny-huggers running a portfolio that requires a steady hand, good aim and itchy trigger finger.

Appeasement sends mixed signals to our game. They think they have won. Don’t believe me? Go to the Kruger Park. You’ll see all manner of beasts prancing about, leering openly at the tourists. The wildebeest are insufferable, cheekily snorting and tossing their ridiculous heads. Even the lions have begun checking their manes in car windows.

Unless people rise up in great numbers and storm your office with pitchforks and flaming torches in the next 30 days, which they won’t because it’s too hot and everyone is drunk or hung over, you’ll get your export quotas for this year and next.

So. Three hundred tusks. According to my maths, that means 150 elephants. This is excellent news. These lumbering brutes have been calling the shots for way too long. I was in the Hluhluwe–iMfolozi Park recently and was parked at a waterhole shouting at a hippo that was insolently mooning me when a giant tusker emerged from the bush. Instead of walking around my car, he simply stood there giving me the lazy eye. His message was clear. Move. Or else. So I, the most dangerous apex predator on the planet, deserving of the utmost respect, was forced to put my beer down and reverse so that he might make his way to the water.

Do I hope that he is one of the 150 with a target on his massive head? Of course not. I don’t bear grudges like you do. I am sure there are many others who deserve to end up on a lounge wall in Texas. Did an elephant do something to you when you were a child? I suppose if one had to touch you inappropriately, you wouldn’t forget it in a hurry. Are you still in therapy?

Twelve black rhino are also on your hit list. Good for you. Why should they get a free pass? Some say they ought to work harder than their white counterparts. But do they? Hardly ever. They’re happy to sit around on their fat black rhino asses and do nothing to earn their keep. No wonder they’re critically endangered. On the other hand, there are still 2,000 of these thick-skinned, small-brained nitwits left in the country. That’s more than enough to go around.

I was delighted to see that leopards are also in your crosshairs. Cats, man. You just can’t trust ’em. I see these treacherous felines can only be hunted in designated zones across KwaZulu-Natal, Limpopo, Mpumalanga and North West. Nice touch. Sounds like the Hunger Games, and you know how popular that documentary was. Some leopards apparently can change their spots. These ones should be left alone. Go after the ones that insist on pursuing their nasty face-eating ways. But only 11 of them? That’s never going to be enough to satisfy the demand for leopard-skin rugs, leopard-claw backscratchers, leopard-tail fanny ticklers and leopard-head trophies mounted above purple waterbeds across the Midwest.

I believe only males aged seven years or older will be eligible for murdering. A word of warning, my friend. Leopards will not hesitate to lie about their age. They are worse than teenage girls trying to weasel their way into a nightclub. If one insists that he is, say, five, you can be sure that he is at least 12 and should be dealt with accordingly.

Conservation bodies say that leopards in South Africa are vulnerable. Well, so am I, but you won’t hear me whining about not wanting to give up my life for a noble cause.

Listen, boet. Don’t only award quotas to your wildlife breeding and hunting mates. Spread the love around. This country is awash with frustrated patriots who desperately need to shoot something without the risk of imprisonment or retaliation. It’s good for our mental health and it’s only right that we all get a fair shot.

As one of the Democratic Alliance’s golden boys, you must be careful not to neglect the other parts of your portfolio – forestry and fisheries. You may not be aware of it yet, but this country has far too many trees. This cannot continue. The same goes for the fish. I have a chainsaw and a speargun.

Call me.